Getting Updated!!!

It's 12:57 a.m., here in New York and officially Sept. 11. I havent posted in over a month and for this I apologize!!! So much has happened. My weight has gone up and down, but currently am at 178 lbs. Still want to lose more, but family & friends are saying that I look great and it would be crazy to lose anymore weight. I don't agree and will lose more. I did a 4-day fast. It was not intentional, it was due to bad nerves. The "Special Friend", who became my lover turned out to be a very confusing person! He would text me and make plans to meet with me, then he wouldn't show up. I asked him if I was a one-time deal and he insisted that I was not. I was supposed to meet him a few weeks ago and he didn't show up. I got mad and called him & sent him to hell. I had broken up with my fiance, to be with him, but he wasn't there for me. I got back together with the bf on Aug 21. Things haven't been the same as before but they're okay. We even went to one of my sister's wedding. The problem with the bf is that he hasn't gotten a job in the 13 mos., that we've been in N.Y. He is currently looking for employment,'cause I put my foot down and demanded that he do so. We moved out of my mom's apt., on Sept. 3rd, but we moved into a rented room in the bsmt. of my friend's mother's house. The three other renters are single men and they are filthy pigs who have the bathroom looking like a gas station public restroom. I couldn't even find the strength to bathe my son at first in the disgusting shower stall. We were there 5 days before I bathed my son and told him to not touch anything! It was soooo gross!!! I had an argument with one of the guys 'cause he left the toilet seat up. I asked him nicely to please put it down when he uses the toilet. I let him know that now there was a woman and child living there. He was a total ass!!! On Sunday I was drinking at our room with the bf and things got a bit violent. The lady that rented to us said that he had to get a job or we would need to move out on Oct 1st. When she decided to rent to me, it was supposed to be for just me and my son, 'cause I was gonna send the bf back to Pa. I have been pressuring the bf to go out and look for a job every single day. And so far he hasn't found anything. I guess he got stressed out and was saying that he was gonna slit his wrists and then took his swiss army knife and attempted to do it. I freaked out and smacked him across the face and told him to be a man and not a sucker. I said that he would accomplish nothing by hurting himself! My mother called me on the 9th to ask me why was I saying that she told me that I had to be out of her house by September. And I told her "Because that's what you said & now I'm stuck in this place with my child living in less than sanitary conditions!" And she totally denied having said it. I said "Yes, you did, otherwise I wouldn't have left and gone to live in a rented room" Well she said that I was being disrespectful to her lately and treating her like shit. And I told her that how was I supposed to feel when she said that she wanted us out by Sept. I said that it made me feel like we were being a burden to her. I was not mooching off of her 'cause I was giving her money, buying whatever we would run out of and buying food and cooking for everyone on the weekends. She said that if I wanted that we could go back to her house, but that I had to be respectful and not do any drinking. She doesn't want me to drink, 'cause I used to be an alcoholic. But in July I had a Manic phase like I had never experienced and was self-medicating with weed & beer. I agreed to her terms for the sake of my son. I will now find a Psychiatrist and ask for meds to treat my BiPolar. The "Special Friend" finally texted me 2 nights ago, asking if I missed him. I said that he now seemed like a distant memory and asked if he missed me. He said "hell yes". I said "you're so full of shit, go play your head games with someone else" I told him that he was a very confusing person. The last thing I texted to him was "Bye, I have no time for your bullshit" That was at 3 a.m. Then last evening at 6:54 p.m., he texted me, asking if I knew where he could find an apt. or room. I asked him why he needed a place if he had his "roommate". He said that she was stalking him and driving him nuts and that he needed a place of his own. He said "too bad we not living together, so I could sample your food" I texted back "I offered everything to you on a silver platter and you missed your chance" He said in a voice mail that he would explain everything later and texted back if he could call me in 2 hrs. I said that he could call me. I waited and he did not call, but at 9:56 p.m., he texted and asked if we could meet up tomorow and chat. I did not hear that text when it came in, only read it like 2 hrs later. Then he sent a text at 10:04 p.m. saying "talk tomorrow, don't reply. ok. God Bless" He has some nerve! Don't really know what to do. Would love to be with him, but don't think it would be worth it to jeopardize my relationship with the bf. And who's to say that he would even show up if I agree to see him. My friend says to not take his calls and not answer his texts, to make him wait and suffer like he did to me. Frankly, when I texted him back 2 nights ago and said " bye, don't have time for your bullshit", I thought that I would not hear from him again. Well we'll see what happens. One thing for sure, I cannot stop thinking about him and the one time we were together. I hope that everyone has had great progress in their goals. Take care!

Rollercoaster Ride

It's 4:17 am, early Thursday morning, here in New York. I had broken up with the bf, last Tuesday. We made up on Friday, early morning. Went to my sister's Bridal Shower on Friday evening. It was at church and several ladies commented on my weight loss. Some, had not seen me for a few weeks. They were surprised about how much weight I had lost. I had not heard from my "Special Friend", for a few days. I bumped into him on Facebook, on Sunday afternoon. I called "P", and we spoke for a long time. Then my mother came home from church. We finished our phone conversation and started to text each other. He wanted to see me & I wanted to see him. I said that I would try my best to make up an excuse to get away from the apt. I did not sleep at all on Sunday night. In the morning, I got my son off to school. I wanted to see my Special Friend, but panicked about having him see my body. I weigh 190 lbs. I've lost 60 lbs, but do not feel cute. I said to myself "Fuck it, I don't hear him complaining. He just loves to grab at me." Then I started to get myself ready. Took a shower, shaved my legs and underarms. Applied sweet-smelling lotion all my body and legs. I have a cute, sexy short negligee that I had bought about 6 weeeks ago,but never used. I took it out of my drawer and put it in a black plastic bag. Got dressed in a black skirt and low-cut blouse. I told the bf, that I was going to the clinic, to speak with my Dr. That was just my excuse to get out of the apt. As soon as I was outside, I called my "Special Friend" and told him that I had managed to get out and that I wanted to see him. He said that he was on the highway and would pick me up. I told him where to meet me. I went to the clinic, left a mesage for my Dr. to call me. Then I went to the bathroom and removed my panties and placed them in a bag that I had. My "Special Friend" had told me to not wear panties. I then walked to our meeting spot and he was there in his truck. I got in and he looked happy and held my hand while he drove. He has a little apt in Long Island and was taking me there. We got there and were talking then started kissing and hugging. I excused myself to the bathroom and put on my negligee. He looked happy with what he saw. W e then laid on his bed kissing. I felt so comfortable with him. It was all great! He is a considerate and generous lover. He said to me "So now we're secret Lovers" And I said "Yes". I don't regret it one bit and hope that I never will. His diabetes started acting up and he had no medication with him. We cuddled and he held me like he never wanted to let go! We used the bathroom separately, got dressed and then got back in his truck. He said that he wants us to meet at his apt., at least once per week. He knows that I have to be careful and can't get away too often. He even left a job that he was going to, just to be with me. He has his own busines and does home repairs. Yesterday, I noticed that he was on Facebook chat and I said hi to him & he ignored me. He never does that to me. Then when I went to my list of friends, I could not find his name. Someone removed me from his Facebook page. It was most likely his "room-mate". I hate the bitch. They're just friends with benefits, but now that she knows about me, she feels threatened. She knows that he has real feelings for me. I will wait til he contacts me. I know that he will text or call me. I got on MySpace and got my own page. I went to my "Special Friend's" page on MySpace and put in a friend request. I have to reach him somehow. I am not giving up on him like I did 18 yrs ago. Good Luck to all of you who, like me, are still struggling against the pounds. We can do it!!!

The Break Up

It's 4:32 a.m., here in New York City. First of all, the Special Friend, "P", did not show up at my bestie's apt. Was feeling so disappointed, when I realized that he was not coming. We had a good time anyway, and no one noticed that anything was wrong with me. My best friend's birthday was on the 14th. It was a tuesday and I could not go visit her. My son goes to school even in the summer. On friday, I arrived with a strawberry shortcake and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon wine. The wine was from the supermarket. Surprisingly, it was of excellent quality with a nice deep red color and delicious taste. Was not too sweet or dry, very refreshing! I took my 5-cal juice, a 80-cal yogurt and a 130-cal marshmallow crispy treat. When I bring along my safe foods, I can hang out, have fun and not gain weight. On saturday, I had a big argument with the boyfriend. I need to move out of my mother's house by september. The problem is that my bf is unemployed. It's all up to me to budget the checks that my son and I receive. I manage to save some money, but then end up using part of it before the next month begins. I don't know where I will move to and it's driving me crazy! It's slowly sinking in that I might have to go to a shelter for families! And this is what's tearing me apart! How can I do this to my little boy? It makes my heart ache. And then the anger towards the bf set in. If he really loved us, he would've gotten a job, to help me get out of my mother's apt. We argued on sunday too. I told him why I was so anxious. I said to him" since you have all the answers, tell me where the hell are we supposed to move to in 6 weeks." He just placed his head in his hands and said nothing. I gave him an ultimatum, either get a job or we're done. He said that he can't find a job, 'cause he doesn't know english.(He's from Puerto Rico) I've tried to teach him english, but he doesn't want to learn. Then he blamed the bad economy. There are people who still manage to find jobs, you just have to be persistant. We've been in New York for 11 months and he's done nothing. On monday, he slept til 1:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday, he slept til 12:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday around 8:30 p.m., I asked him if he's been job hunting. He said that he had checked a couple of supermarkets, but no one is hiring. He didn't sound very convincing to me. I told him that if I was gonna do it all by myself, then I might as well be alone! I said that I was done and that he didn't even want to stay in New York. I decided last week to stay in N.Y., 'cause it's more beneficial to my son and he made a face. I don't know if he understood that I was breaking up with him or that he was stunned. He didn't eat monday or tuesday. Frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of worrying about everyone else and yet no one worries about me. I'm thinking him of buying him a bus ticket and sending his ass back to Pennsylvania. I'm gonna be the bitch that I was back in 1990 and look out only for me and my son. Everybody else can kiss my ass! Except all of you. I get such strength from you ladies and Pokerface. On the upside, I keep losing weight. I am now down to 192.5 lbs. This time last year, I was weighing 250 lbs, ugh! All that I ate on tuesday were two tiny cubes of cheddar cheese and nothing else. I now love having hunger pangs, they make me feel in control! I bumped into my friend "P", in facebook and we exchanged msgs, then naughty texts on our cell phones. We might see each other today(wednesday). He said that he will call me. He didn't go to my bestie's house, 'cause he was stuck in Long Island with no money. He has his own company that does affordable home repairs, but has lost a lot of business, due to the bad economy. I have an appt. today for Reproductive Medicine. I want to see if I can have one more baby, before I get too old. Never planned for my son, to be an only child, poor kid. The only thing that can save us, is if my bestie's mom were to rent me a room. I've rented from her before, when I was living with my son's father. Well, all of you wish me luck, so that I can put a roof over my son's head. Keep up the good work. Thank you all for following my blog and for all the comments and words of encouragement!!! Mwah!

Manic Phase

It's 2:12 a.m., still haven't slept, don't know if I will. I could not sleep on Tuesday night. I usually manage a nap of 3 or 4 hrs. during the early morning. On Wednesday morning, I could not sleep, just kept busy. I am Bi-Polar and seem to be going through a manic phase. The good part is, that I'm barely eating. I've lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I'm drinking lots of water, taking a multi-vitamin & doing my exercises. Last Saturday, I got in contact with an ex-bf, through Facebook. I dated him when he was incarcerated during 1991. I broke off our relationship after almost a year. I felt like I needed to be with someone that could be there physically for me. He is a great guy. He went out with some friends, after having spent the night drinking. Well the friends did a home invasion and before he knew it, he got convicted and spent like 16 yrs. in jail. This happened when he was very young. We have been texting each other since Saturday, for like hours. I was honest and said that I was involved with someone and am engaged. But now, I'm confused! All the old feelings have come rushing back to me. He is also involved with someone, but it seems like an "open" relationship. He asked if I would be willing to meet with him. I said that I didn't know about it. Well on Wednesday morning, I texted him and said that I wanted to see him. I don't know why I did it. This is totally out of character for me. I was 10 yrs. with my son's father and never cheated on him. And believe me, with the shit that he put me through, he deserved for me to do him wrong. This friend, who I shall call "P", is a sweetheart and good listener. And he's honest & upfront about who he is. We met and he picked me up in his truck. I was so nervous that I was shaking! Then he asked for a hug. We hugged and the world disappeared. I felt excited and soooo alive! We parked and talked. Somehow we ended up kissing & making out like highschool kids. There was caressing and touching. It felt so good to be wrapped up in his bear-hug. OMG!!! And he is tall, 6'1". At one point, my cell phone rang, and it was my bf. I took the call, he wanted to know where I was & when would I be getting back home. I had said earlier that I was going to the clinic, to drop a paper for my son's Dr. to fill out. I did go to clinic and dropped off paper, but that took all of 15 mins. I was gone for a little over 3 hrs. "P" asked me that where would "this between us be going". I said that I didn't know, as I had never been in a similar situation and if we could just take it one day at a time. At this point in my life, I never imagined going through something like this. We have a mutual friend and I started to tell her about us and she said that it wasn't right. She said that my bf and my son, did not deserve my doing this. I later texted her and told her that she is right and that it was just as well that nothing happened & that I would limit my contact with "P". But I lied. I do plan to keep on seeing him. He is like a drug and now I am hooked. After I got home, he texted me and said that he missed me. So now I have this huge secret that I cannot share with anyone, except all of you here. Every time that I think of him, I grin like The Cheshire Cat. I have to be careful and not let my emotions show on my face. I texted him early during the day and he did not respond, which he always does immediately. Well, he found me while I was on Facebook. He said that he's sorry for not texting me back. His phone got disconnected. But tomorrow we will both be at our mutual friend's house to celebrate her birthday. The only problem is, that I will be with my bf and my son. I hope that everything will go well. I will keep all of you up to date. And thank you all for reading my blog and for all the comments!!! Take care!

199.5 lbs

It is 5:40 a.m., on Monday. I've not gone to bed yet. I have alot on my mind. I had an argument with my mother about 2 fridays ago. Once again, we argued over her lack of cleaning. This time she said that if I didn't like her apt, that I could find some other place to live in. That's fine with me and hopefully, I will be moving out by September. I've decided to remain here in New York. It offers my son more therapies and better medical coverage. I mentioned to him that we might be returning to Pa. and he said, "NO, wanna stay here in Grandma's house". Well, we will be staying in N.Y, but not at grandma's place. Most likely, I will rent a room, until I can find an affordable housing. Went to an interview, to see if my son can get a case manager. This will be someone that will be an advocate for the both of us. I have to wait for 4 wks. to see if we get approved. Don't see any reason why we wouldn't. I've never posted my weight in my blog, but now I will. As of 30 mins. ago, I weigh 199.5 lbs. I know that I am still a fatty, but I've comme a long way. I started at 245.5 lbs., and have lost 46 lbs. My mother came into my room yesterday evening to chat. She looks at me and asks me how much weight have I lost. I told her, 45 lbs. And then she says, but how much do you weigh? I said, exactly 200 lbs. She tells me that I need to stop losing weight, because my face is looking thin. Ha! What good is it if my face is thin, but the rest of me is still fat??? I think that she is just jealous and wants to sabotage my weight loss. If anything, that makes me want to keep losing more. I started the ABC Diet, but got off of it for the weekend. On Friday, I went to hang out at my best friend's apt, but I took my homemade juice and water bottle and a safe snack. Last time that I went to her place, I gained 3 lbs. in one evening. This time, there was no weight gain. Yay, for me. Today, I will be back on the ABC Diet. Gotta, go, time to get my son ready for school. Will be back on later, to post juicy details about a guy that I once knew and have reconnected with on Facebook!

40 lbs.

It's 3:36 a.m., here in New York. Today I weighed myself and I have now lost 40 lbs. Don't dare to write down my weight yet. If I lose 6 lbs., by 07/01, then I will post my weight. I'm ashamed, 'cause it's a high number, compared to all the thin girls here. I finally finished my period. I lost 2 lbs., since thursday. But I gained 1 lb., during my period. I did not lose control during those days and I'm proud of that. But on thursday, I binged on cookies and then purged. Was mad, 'cause I had been a week without purging. I'm gonna make my Pineapple, Carrot & Apple Juice in the juicer and sip on that saturday & sunday, and not eat any solid food. I want the numbers on the scale to keep going down. I need to lose another 55 lbs., at least. Today (friday), I made potato salad and steamed, chicken breast cutlets. I tasted a small spoonful of the potato salad and tiny piece of the meat. And let me tell you, it was yummy. Thought of binging & purging, but I did not do it. I made a delicious salad with tofu for my dinner. I want to lose weight,but not starve. I marinated 5 tofu slices in low-sodium teriyaki sauce for 30 mins. I sprayed bottom of frying pan with non-stick spray and sauteed the tofu. Then I placed a bed of fresh, spinach leaves in a large bowl, added salad dressing spray (5 cals. per spray), cut 6 baby carrots into thin strips, cut 10 grape tomatoes in halves, sprinkled Nu Salt (salt substitute) on it all, then added the tofu in bite-size pieces. This was my 1st time trying tofu. I liked it, it was a flavorful and filling dinner. Best of all, I don't think it was even 200 cals. The only thing that I had eaten in the day was a 80-cal nonfat yogurt. I had a few PB& Choc. cups & a few caramel cream candies like 2 hrs. after dinner for dessert. My total amount of calories for the day was, 520 cals. I think that's a decent number, considering how out of control my eating was before the month of March. I got mad at my mother, 'cause I was saying, how important nutrition is for good health. She had the nerve to tell me " It won't last, you'll go back to eating like you were before, and gain the weight back, like you did after you got pregnant". God forgive me, but when she said that to me, I cursed her out in my mind and genuinely hated her at the moment. Why does she feel the need to put me down instead of encouraging me? I'm trying so hard and as usual, she offers no support. I need to get the hell away from her and soon. I hate the way that she makes me feel about myself. She makes me feel like a big, fat useless Blob!!! She is no skinny minnie either. She's like 5'2" and weighs around 185 lbs. She's never given me any credit when I do something right. She is always criticizing and finding fault in everything that I do. She is the reason why I went to the park in 1990 and swallowed 2 bottles of sleeping pills (64 pills). I really wanted to end my life. When the paramedics picked me up from under the park bench, I was seizing. When I woke up in the hospital that evening, I was mad to be alive!!! She even tried to say that the reason my son is autistic, is because I barely ate during the first 3 mos. of my pregnancy. My periods were very irregular and I didn't even know that I was pregnant. Nobody even knows the cause of Autism, but as usual, she had to blame me for it. Why can't she see the Real Me??? Why can't she be a loving & supportive mother??? I can't wait for september, when I get my own place here in New York or back in Pennsylvania. The way things are going, I think that I will be returning back to Pennsylvania. The more distance between my mother and I, the better for my sanity & self esteem. I'll just try to visit more often, so that my son can see the family. But the next time I come for a visit from Pennsylvania, I will not be staying at my mother's apt. I will see if I can stay at my cousin's place. We're very close and she has an apt. right on my mother's street. I can bring an inflatable mattress, for my son & I to sleep on. My cousin has a 1-bedroom apt. and her 24-yr. old daughter sleeps in it. My cousin sleeps on a futon in the living room. I can sleep with my son in the living room for a few days. I curse the moment that I decided to give up my apt. in Pa. and move in with my mother. I just need to save enough money and get someone in Pa., to help me look for an apt. I'll just keep looking to the near future, in order to keep sane. well enough of my ranting. I hope everyone is doing better than me & has a good weekend. At least my mother will be in Connecticut from early morning saturday until at least the evening. Hopefully, I will have a peaceful day. Take care & think thin!!!

Dental Drama

It's 2:20 a.m., here in New York City. I had a dental appt. on saturday. The visit was for teeth extraction. The Dental Surgeon, removed 2 molars on the left side in my upper gum and 1 molar in my bottom gum on the same side. It was okay, 'cause there was no pain whatsoever. Bleeding was minimal. Some swelling, but it went down quickly that same day. I can't eat solids, 'cause I have a stitch where each molar was. I got 2 prescriptions filled. Ibuprofen for pain and Amoxicillan to prevent infection. I bought yogurt and soup before going to my appt. I've been eating that since saturday. I haven't purged for 4 days. I got my period on saturday morning, so I haven't seen the numbers go down on the scale. I feel alot lighter. I know that once I finish with my period, that the numbers on the scale will start going down fast. I bought a bag of prunes, to help accelerate the weight loss, but not eating them yet. After my appt., I went shoping by myself. I needed to get Father's Day gifts for my dad, brother-in-law and my fiance. Got everything, went home and cooked a quick meal. I made cheesy rice with broccoli, from 2 packets that I bought and 2 family-size boxes of salisbury steak. Everything was done in less than 30 mins. Of course I did not even touch that food. I ate my soup, like a good girl. My total for the day were 255 calories. On sunday, I went to church for Bible class and afternoon service. There was a special dinner in honor of all the fathers. At my table this lady with her 3 whiny kids sat across from me. I got upset as soon as I saw them sit down. They have no manners and the mother has no control over the kids. I would've left, but my son wanted to eat dinner and cake w/ice cream. It didn't help that we had to wait a long time to get served. I left with a headache and a bad mood. I did not eat and took a plate of food to my fiance. Went home and was thinking that we would all get together at my mom's. I called one of my sisters and she said that she would not be coming over. She told me that she was going to my dad's apartment. So, I quickly got the gifts into a reusable bag and put a snack together and headed over to my dad's with my fiance & son. My sister was there with her husband & son. We had a good time and my dad was happy to see us there. They also had food and cake. I was offered both, but used my teeth extraction as an excuse and politely declined. This dental procedure is a blessing in disguise. It's helping me to say "NO" to food and I have a justifiable reason. The stitches will fall off on their own. I was told that it will take 7-10 days for that to happen. Wonder how many pounds I can lose in that time. I'm drinking lots of water & green tea with berry tea, and they both have zero calories. I get a little hungry, but it makes me feel good to deny myself all that fattening food. My mother sasw me eating a bowl of mixed veggies the other night. She asked if that was all that I would be having for dinner. I said "yes" and she said that I needed to eat meat. I told her "NO, there's no need for meat. I can get protein from beans and dairy products". First she used to say that I was eating too much food and junk food. Now she's critisizing my food choices. She needs to make up her mind & mind her business. She tells me to not get as skinny as I was before like in 1998. But that's exactly what I plan to do. I'm 5 feet 6 inches and I don't think 150 lbs is too skinny. I felt good at that weight. Might go down to 145 lbs., but no lower than that. I still have a ways to go, but know that I can do it!!! I'm happy to see that I now have 19 followers. I wish to thak each one of you who read my blog and those who write me comments. I appreciate your encouragements and tips! Take care my sisters!!!

Time To Move On???

It's 5:37, and I've not slept a wink. Yesterday afternoon, I had yet another argument with my mother. She cooked on thursday. Yesterday, I took a pack of chicken thighs out of the freezer to defrost. At 4 p.m., I was about to get dinner started. She asked me what was I planning to cook, and I said that I wasn't sure. So she suggested pork chops. I told her that I had already defrosted the chicken thighs.She said "we'll be flying soon, from eating so much chicken. My sister had done boiled boneless chicken breasts on Monday with some milk sauce. I was gonna let the comment slide, but just couldn't stop myself. So I asked her why does she always have to criticize everything. And she says "all I did was make a comment" And I told her that I was sick of it 'cause all that comes out of her mouth is criticism and negativity. She always has something to say, without thinking about how it will affect a person. My mother is really toxic. So basically I told her that I was making Baked Brown Rice and steamed chicken thighs and to let me cook in peace. I said " you can eat it or not, it really doesn't matter to me one way or the other! She had the nerve to say that I need a Psychiatrist. And I told her that if I need one, then she needs a better one. She always try to make it seem like I'm paranoid and twisted in my way of reasoning & thinking. But, I've talked things over with my fiance & closest friends and they all seem to agree with me. About 30 mins. later she left the apt. I could care less. She returned during the early evening. We haven't talked since then. I have made a decision. At the end of the summer, I will move back to Pennsylvania. I have to do it because I need to move out, but the rent here in New York is too damn high. I refuse to pay $800/mo. to live in a rented room with my son & fiance. For much less than that, I can rent a decent 2-bedroom apt. in Pa. My fiance already spoke with his best friend in Pa., to help us look for an apt. Now, I have to save as much money as I can. It's a perfect excuse to spend less $$$ on food. LOL I told my 8-yr. old that we would be moving back to Pa., and he does not like the idea. He wants to stay here in N.Y., 'cause all of our family is here. It's so sad. He just doesn't realize all the stress that Grandma is causing his Mommy.

My Mother Is Driving Me Mad !!!!

It's 3:53 a.m. and I am still so freaking mad about what happened yesterday evening! Where shall I start? Okay, I moved in with my mom & youngest sister (30 yrs), last summer. Along with my fiance & my 8 yr old son. So my mother baby-sits my now 4 yr old nephew. She told me that she would cook Mon-Thurs, and I would cook during the weekends. Fine with me. Except that when my sister would not bring her son over, my mother would not cook even if it was her assigned day. So I would buy food and cook & wash dishes and clean the kitchen at end of night. This past wednesday she tells me that my sister would bring her son over the next day, but she & her husband would be leaving right away & not eat at my mother's apt. This is my mother's way of telling me that she would NOT be cooking on thursday and that my turn for cooking would begin 1 day earlier. My sister left for vacation on friday and will not be bringing her son over to my mother's place til June 16. I told my fiance, "my mother better not think that I'm gonna spend my money buying food & cooking for everyone for 12 straight days!" So, I cooked on thursday, friday, saturday & sunday. I get no help from absolutely anyone. On sunday, when my mother came from church at around 5 p.m., she was accompanied by my cousin. He's gotten into the habit of dropping by a couple of times during the week & eating at my mother's too. He's about 43 yrs old and lives with his mother, due to the fact that he had a drug problem. But now he's found religion, but no job, so he's mooching of whomever he can. So when they were eating, I told my mother, "oh I'm not cooking tomorrow, you & my sister can cook for the next couple of days". Well of course, she had a problem with that and asks why can't my fiance cook too. He cooked one time,but she's very controlling & doesn't let others cook in peace. She likes to hover over people and tell them how to do things. So now, he refuses to cook ever again. Can't say that I blame him. So I asked her what's the problem with her & my sister cooking. And she mumbled some lame excuse & basically said that she doesn't have to cook. My sister just graduated university last week & hasn't worked since December. My cousin had to butt in & say why can't I just cook for me & my fiance & son. I told him about the deal that my mother had made with me about our assigned days for cooking. I told him it's not fair that everyone can eat when I buy, cook the food & do clean-up, but they can't do the same in return. I give money just like my sister, so why can't she cook for everyone like I do. I help pay the electric bill, too. When it's my turn to cook, if there is no oil or rice or seasonings, I buy them. So my cousin just shook his head & told me to calm down. He knows that it's not fair, but won't go against my mother, 'cause she just bought him a tiny laptop about 2 wks. ago. So now he has to kiss her ass. Basically, my mother said that she's NOT cooking, she'll eat whatever is in the fridge or cupboards. But when my sister returns from vacation, she'll cook for them 'cause my sister brings her rice, beans, meat and food from when she goes grocery shopping for her own household. She's always treated this sister of mine better than the rest of us! Yet she denies it. I thought that this bullshit would be over and done with. I feel so disappointed and truly heartsick!!! I feel like I will never be good enough for my mother. I hate the way she makes me feel. I regret a million times ever deciding to move into her home. I'm gonna talk with my best friend's mom. Her mom has a house close by and rents out rooms. I feel so trapped. Why are some mothers such Bitches with their own offspring??? For a long time, I even doubted my own mother's love for me. She is the reason that I tried to kill myself back in November of 2000. I will never be able to understand her. I have to leave her house soon before I start hating her or do/say something that I will really regret!!! So, for now, I'm not doing any cooking, just simple preparation of food for fiance & my son. On the other hand, this will do wonders for my diet. Yesterday and today I just had coffee, tea, fruit and a plate of veggies for dinner. I've lost a total of 31 lbs., since March. I am still ashamed to post my weight, but I promise that I will write it in my blog very soon. Hopefully, that will be in less than 2 weeks. Be strong & think thin. Oh, I just discovered that there is someone else with a blog that has the same name as mine. The only difference that I could see is that she leaves a space between the words Hungry and Hippo.( Hungry-Hippo) I write mine, (HungryHippo) I hope that no one is confused by this. I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog. Any of you know how I would go about doing that?

The weekend

It's 4 a.m., here in New York City. I should be sleeping, 'cause I have a Dr's appt & have to get my son ready for school. My baby was sick on thursday night. He vomited and had a low grade fever. I did not send him to school on friday. He was better and asked for soup w/crackers, for lunch. I gave it to him, along with some grape Pedialyte. It was my turn to cook dinner, so I made macaroni with shredded chicken. I season then steam the chicken legs. After they have cooked, I use 2 forks & shred the meat. I pour spagetti sauce into a pan, and add some italian seasonings, then add the shredded chicken. I let it simmer for a few mins., then add it to the cooked macaroni. I tasted it after it was all prepared and it tasted yummy to me. Well., I then went to my room, for about 40 mins. When I went to the living room, my sister had arrived, took her son and she & her husband left. So I asked my mom about my sister and she says, "oh she & her husband left without eating. They felt that the food had too much black pepper" This is Total B.S.!!! I used a seasoning that did NOT have black pepper. I also used another seasoning which my sister had bought over to my mom's, 'cause she said that she liked it and it did not make the food too spicy or salty. My sister is starting to piss me off, 'cause it seems like she always finds something wrong with my cooking. Grrr! And actually, my fiance & my son love my cooking. Other people have said that I'm a good cook. I asked my other sister for her opinion & she said that it was just fine. On saturday, I was supposed to go to a baby shower at church. Well my mother & I were gonna go buy the gifts during the morning. I woke up with a very sore throat, but decided to go shopping anyway, to avoid my mother from nagging at me. We went outside and had trouble figuring out the new procedure for paying these express buse around our area. You need to get some card first and swipe it on this machine at the bus stop, before you board the bus. Mind you, I've been living out of state for the past 10 yrs., so I accidently got the wrong cards. Anyway, to make a long story short, she pissed me off. I told her, "I'm not going to deal with this crap no more, you can go by yourself". And I walked away & went home. I am soo tired of dealing with this crazy lady. It seems like she has the beginnings of Alzheimers, but she is in deep denial. I told her that she needs to see her doctor about her forgetfulness & confusion. She says there is nothing wrong with her. I'm sorry but I beg to differ. She came back at about 1:30 p.m. & left to the baby shower at almost 3 p.m. My son had fever again, so I gave him medicine. I cooked dinner, yellow rice with chicken thighs and pink beans in sauce. I cook dinner & don't even eat it. I usually steam some vegetables for me. I was not happy on saturday, 'cause I had gained 2 pounds. I don't even know how the heck that happened! On sunday, I didn't do much. Was kinda happy 'cause I had dropped the 2 pounds & lost 2 more. I cooked baked brown rice & corned beef with yellow plantains in it.Gotta get some rest now!

Dental Disaster

I've not gone to sleep yet, so for me it is still Wednesday. It is 1:49 a.m., here in New York. I had a dental appointment. It was not too good. I have Peridontal Disease, which has caused my teeth to become loose. I'm sure that purging has not helped my teeth. Well the Dental hygenist had to do some probing of all teeth. This is done to know how deep the pockets are that surround each tooth. That process in itself was painful! Then she scraped the plaque off from my teeth. There was alot due to the fact that I hadn't had a proper cleaning in years. I have a clotting problem with my blood & dentists refused to touch me. I guess that they were scared that I would bleed to death while in their chair. Then the dental hygenist did the actual cleaning. Afterwards, she gave me a mirror so that I could look at my teeth. There was a huge difference. The bad thing is that my teeth hurt and my gums felt raw. Ouch!!! I have an appt. next month for teeth extraction. I also have to go in again oin July, for a deep scaling cleaning. That is a procedure where your gums are anesthesized and they go deep in your gums to deep clean the roots of your teeth. Yikes!!! I went home & tried to drink a cup of black coffee. My gums hurt too much, so I had to drink it with a straw. Went to buy some things (water pik, toothbrush, snacks for son), then came home. I decided not to eat solids due to pain in teeth & gums. Drank a yummy Slim-Fast shake (strawberries & cream-220 cals.) Did my exercise workout (about 45 mins.) Drank a juice box of cold green tea w/ginseng & honey (60 cals.) Dinner was a cream of broccoli soup (150 cals.) and a tall glass of Sprite Zero soda ( 0 cals.) I had an early breakfast of 3/4 cup of Special K cereal-Fruit & Yogurt (110 cals.) with 1 cup of Light Vanilla Soy milk (80 cals.) Total Cals. for the day= 652 cals. Not bad if I do say so myself. And 30 mins. before dinner, I drank a cup of laxative tea with 1 packet of 0 cal. sugar substitute. It did it's job 3 hrs. later. I hope that the scale will be kind to me tomorrow. I will be grateful if I at least lose 1 lb.

Tuesday Morning

It's 6:47 a.m. here in New York. Sunday was okay. Got up at 10 a.m. and got my son bathed & dressed. I bathed & dressed and we went to Sunday school. I had a can of Pineapple slices in their own juice for brunch. Church service started at 1:30 p.m. The service finished at about 4:30 p.m. Afterwards, they were selling food to raise funds for the Christian Children's Parade. Our church's children will have their own float at the parade. I bought food for my mom, fiance, son & myself. It was yummy, but fattening. The food consisted of a fried cornmeal cake topped with ground beef, a slice of boiled egg, shredded cheddar & mozarella cheese and sour cream. As soon as I got home, I purged. I didn't plan to do it, but my stomach can't handle certain things like before. I didn't cook, 'cause there was plenty of leftovers in the fridge. Got up on Monday, and weighed myself. I was happy to see that I had lost another 2 lbs. So far, I've lost a total of 26 lbs. I've been doing some serious restricting & kept the purging to a minimum. With the warm weather, it's been easier to get some form of exercise done. Yesterday, I had no breakfast & no lunch. Had a cup of black coffee w/sugar substitute when I awoke. My fiance & I took my son to the park. He loves to ride his bike! I was walking alongside my son while he rode and a little girl on her bike slammed into my legs. I mean she hit me full force, almost knocked me to my knees. I was upset, but did not scream at the kid. She looked to be about 5 or 6 yrs. old. When I walked back to our bench, I realized that the little girl was with her parents sitting on the other end of the same bench. I recognized her & the bike. I asked the lady if that was her daughter and she said yes. Then I proceeded to tell her nicely that she should watch her daughter 'cause she crashed her bike into me. I showed her my bruised legs. The mother said nothing, did not even apologize. Another lady next to me was saying how parents don't watch their kids. And the next thing I knew, the little girl & her parents had left. Nowadays, you can't go to a park & just let your kids loose. It is not safe. Went home & had a bit of an argument with my mom. She had called my sister on Sunday night. She needed her to pay a bill for her through the internet. My sister did not answer the phone. (my sister had fallen asleep on her couch) So, yesterday I called my sister to let her know that my mom needed that favor. She called my mom & said to her, "oh, you can call me when you need a favor, but not to apologize." My mom told her "if you're gonna start on me again, then we might as well not even talk". So, they both hung up their phones. My mom was telling me this when I came from the park. And she says to me, "can you believe that she wants an apology, after the way that she offended me?" I said, " but ma, you were the one who started screaming first. All she said to you was that this house is dirty & it's true". My mother got mad at me for siding with my sister and left all upset to run an errand. She bumped into my fiance downstairs & complained to him about the situation. He told her that the situation was between the 3 of us & that he was not getting involved. I started to make dinner, ate a low-fat cereal & fruit bar(140 cals.). I cooked baked brown rice, pink beans in sauce and steamed chicken legs. Helped my son with his homework. Then at about 11:35 p.m., I started to put the leftover food away & my mom decides to heat some coffee up on the stove. I just blew up at her 'cause she's been doing this to me lately. She is sooo annoying! I told her" why do you decide to do this, when I am trying to clean up in the kitchen? You couldn't do it before I came or after I've finished." I said" Look heat up your coffee & let me know when you're done" And she said "No, you finish up first & I'll heat up the coffee later" I told her " I know that this is your kitchen, but you've been doing this to me lately & it's getting on my nerves". OMG!!! I feel so emotionally tired from all the arguing that has been going on. I'm gonna try my best to save money because I cannot deal with the whole situation anymore. I have to get out of her apartment before she makes me lose my mind or gives me an ulcer from all the stress!!! I love my mother but it's impossible to live with her. I went to my room and got on my computer. Checked my e-mails that have been piling up. Ever since I have been posting here & reading the blogs, I've not read my e-mails. LOL. I want to thank all of you who read my blog & leave comments. Jena, I've made goals for my ideal weight & been able to reach that weight & mantain it. I don't intend to weigh as low as some of you. I am big-boned & at 150 lbs. everyone said that I was too slim. But that is my goal weight. I also want to thank Mellon and Bryana for their comments & advice. I know that I can do this. It was just a matter of getting into the correct mind-set. I want to get slim, but not sick. Today, I will buy some vitamins & go shopping for fruits & vegetables. Good luck to you all!!!

Almost Sunday

Well, friday was hideous. My sister who is 1 yr. younger than me, was getting on my mother's case about her lack of cleaning. So, I told my sister," Look forget about it, you're not gonna get anywhere with her." And my mother blew up at me and said "Mind your own business!" And I told her "Look, I wasn't even talking to you, I was just trying to stop the argument" She got furious and came at me with the T.V. remote control, like if she was gonna hit me with it or throw it at me. It was unreal. So I told her "that's not christian behavior, what's wrong with you?" She is a church lady & thinks she is so holy-holy. She just got mad 'cause me & my sister were telling her the truth in her face and she couldn't handle it. When my sister left, I went to my room and worked off my angry energy by exercising. It felt so good! My mother started to talk to me later in the evening, like the argument never happened. She always does that & never apologizes for anything. Today was a good day. I woke up, gave my son breakfast, made coffee. I was sewing a Jean skirt cause it now fits me too big. My aunt & cousin came over. I gave them coffee & chatted with them while my mother ran a quick errand. Even they noticed my mother's erratic behavior. I'm glad to see that it's not all my imagination. The sad part is that she refuses to acknowledge that she even has a problem. My fiance went fishing with my dad & brother-in-law. He was gone since 5:20 a.m. My son & I were on our own. I took his bike downstairs and walked to a nearby park so he could ride. I walked briskly & even ran for about 30 mins. I got a good workout. Met up with my mother 'cause she remembered that she had offered to buy me a cell phone as a belated birthday gift. We went to a store where she had shopped before. I got a cute phone for $50. It's not a flip phone, which is what I was avoiding. It even has a radio & flashlight. I'm listening to the phone's radio with the head set on, 'cause right now it's 4:39 a.m. Well today, I barely ate. Just had a bit of dinner; 1/2 cup of mixed veggies & a small steamed chicken cutlet. I already lost the 3 lbs. that I had gained last week. I even managed to lose an extra pound. So far, I've lost 24 lbs. I'm still fat, but I'm on the right track. I'm still too embarassed to tell you ladies how much I weigh. Maybe when I've lost another 20 lbs., I will have the courage to reveal my weight. Hopefully, that will happen in the next few weeks! Good luck to everyone in reaching their goals!

It's 6:53, here in New York. I start my posts by stating the time, because for some reason the time stamp is wrong. I'm not too technical (LOL), and clearly cannot have anyone set it correctly. I can never let anyone know about "Ana" and you girls. Of the 3 lbs. that I had gained last week, I have lost 2 already. I feel like a cow. I think I am a cow! I am so embarassed of my weight, that I have never written down the number here. It's a terrible number, no, really it is. It's not the highest that I've been, but you girls would be mortified if I were to reveal it. Just know that I get courage from all of you to continue my battle against this nasty weight. I eat very little & still barely lose. This is agony. Iam so disgusted about my home situation! I used to live in Pennsylvania for 10 yrs. and decided to move back to New York. I've been staying with my mother since Aug. of 2008. She has been slacking off in the cleaning of her apartment. She is a pack-rat & God forbid if you throw any of her junk away. I am so grossed out by it all. I live in a small room with my fiance and my son (not my fiance's child). It's a tight fit, but my room is cleaner than her whole apartment. There is dust and bags filled with clothes & junk everywhere. Every day when my mother fixes her breakfast, she leaves bread crumbs from her toast under the kitchen table. She is hooked to playing silly computer games & doesn't care about cleaning her apartment. I feel like if I live inside a thrift shop, a dirty one. To make room for us, she had to empty out a bedroom. She had junk in that room piled like 4 feet high. Instead of throwing out the junk, she just moved it to her room. Now her room is filled with bags & boxes since last summer. She has done nothing to clean up her room & you can barely walk in it. I am dying to move, but to rent an apartment here is expensive. I give her money every month when I get my SSI check. I also buy food & anything else that is needed in the house. I have not been able to save any money in the 9 mos. that I've been here. My fiance has not been able to find a job. He barely speaks English & didn't even finish High School. I feel like if I'm gonna be stuck here forever! I feel my depression growing with every passing day. I should be on medication because I'm bi-polar and have problems with anxiety, but I'm not. I stopped taking my meds over 2 yrs. ago. I also have a sleeping disorder that gets worse when I am deeply depressed. I'm thinking of going to see a Dr. and asking for meds before I do something foolish. I must make a plan to save money & move out. I cannot tolerate this situation any longer. I apologize about all my complaining, but I needed to get it out before I explode. God help me!!!

It's 6:43 a.m. here in New York. Yesterday, I did really well in restricting. I had a cup of black coffee, did exercises for 45 mins., ate 2 cups of watermelon, a cup of green tea, & for dinner ate 1 cup of mixed veggies with a steamed chicken breast. Before going to bed, I did another 45 mins. of exercises. Weighed myself this morning and actually lost a pound. Phew! What a relief. And no purging. I wish that I could have this much control every day. It is not easy. Right now I wanna eat some sugary cereal with soy milk sooo badly. But instead, I chugged some cold water from the bottle that I always have on my dresser. I try to fill up with water to kill the hunger pangs. Damn, it feels like I'm always hungry. But I will not give in! I will be strong and not succumb to the food!!! My mother offered to buy me a cell phone, since she never got around to giving me anything for my birthday. On Monday, she asked me if I wanted to pick it out then or wait for Wednesday. Well I didn't feel like going anywhere at the time, so I said, let's leave it for Wednesday. Yesterday, after my sister picked up her son & left, I was waiting for my mother to tell me, "let's go get your phone." But she said nothing about it & I stayed quiet. I am not going to beg her for a phone. So if she says nothing about it, I will wait til next Tuesday. I get money that day & will just buy the cell phone myself. I had said during the weekend, that I wanted to buy the Jack Lalane Deluxe Juicer. And last night, she ordered it for me from the QVC channel, 'cause she has a credit card. But I will be making the monthly payments on the juicer. I can't wait to get it. It should be here within a few days. Now I can do juice fasts & they'll never realize how little I will be eating. Let's hope that my plan works & maybe I will be able to lose the pounds even faster. Anyone have any tips or exercises for my tummy to go down? It's the part of my body that I really HATE right now!!!

It is 6:47 a.m., here in New York. This will have to be a quick post, as my fiance went downstairs. He took my son to wait for the school bus. I have to be really careful to not let anyone find out about my secret life that I share with you ladies! I have been B & P, and now I am paying for it. :+( I have gained 3 disgusting pounds. I am so sorry to you all. I have disappointed all of you. I hang my head down in shame. I have finished my period,but that is what caused me to relapse. I was doing so good, too. Today, I will eat nothing but 12 oz. of prunes, a bowl of steamed, mixed veggies and lots of water. Wish me luck. I see that I have 3 more followers. Yay!!! Please help me, so that I can be a winner by losing the pounds. We can do this!!!

Monotonous Monday

It's 4:30 a.m., here in New York & I still have not gone to bed. I have to be up at 8 a.m. to get ready to take my son for a psych. evaluation. He is 8 yrs. old & autistic. He is a sweetheart, but has problems with impulse control. I love him to death, but there are days when he makes me want to scream my head off. Saturday, we went over to my sister's apt., for her 4 yr. old son's birthday party. It was just for the family. My parents are separated, but they both were present. My middle sister came from N.J. and my youngest sister was also there. I didn't eat anything before I got there, because I knew that I had to eat in order to not arouse suspicion. All I had at home, was a cup of black coffee. When they all had potato chips, I ate some baked vegetable sticks that my sister had bought. They came in 3 flavors, potato, spinach and tomato. They were very low in calories. I only had a handful & only ate the spinach ones. Then it was time for dinner. I ate 1/2 cup of pasta with parma & tomato sauce, 1/2 croissant, 1 roasted chicken leg and a 2-in. square piece of lasagna. I felt like I was gonna burst! I wanted to purge so badly but didn't dare for fear of being heard. Then to top it off, I had a big piece of cake with ice cream. What a pig! One of my nephew's gift was a bicycle & he was excited. Then they gave my son a bike too. I was not expecting it 'cause his birthday had been in January. It seeems that everyone pitched in to get it for my son.:+) Friday the 15th was my birthday and I am now 39 yrs. old. When they sang Happy Birthday to my nephew, they included me. I even got a few gifts. Not bad, but I wish I hadn't eaten all that food. Got home a little before 8 p.m. and ate 12 oz. of prunes with lots of water. It helps to clean out my system. I just noticed that I have a follower. I'm very excited! Thanks Jena. I also read your blog.Let's all encourage each other & we can reach our goals. My goal is to get to 145 lbs.

It's 1:34 a.m. here in N.Y.C. It was my birthday & what a disappointment it was. I live at my mother's with my youngest sister (30 yrs. old), my fiance & my 8 yr. old son. I do the cooking during the weekend. So I had told my mother that I did not want to cook on my birthday. I told her like 2 wks. ago. Well today, I had stepped out for a few hrs., to run an errand. When I came home there were dirty dishes in the sink and no dinner being prepared. It should have been no surprise to me. That's why I had bought chicken thighs to cook and a can of pink beans. I made yellow rice w/beans and steamed chicken. My mother didn't even wish me a happy birthday. And I am her firstborn, dammit! The only one who gave me a gift was my sister who is 1 yr. younger than me. My dad came by & gave me $20. My mother is so damn inconsiderate. Meanwhile for her birthday, christmas & mother's day, I always give her a gift, pick out a nice card & sometimes buy her flowers. Today, I felt like shit, thanks mom!!! I'm so freaking cursed that I even got my damn period on my birthday. This is exactly why I have tried to kill myself twice in the past. My mother knows exactly how to make anyone feel absolutely worthless!!! And the sad part is that she is totally unaware of it all, I think. Today I had a cup of black coffee w/1 tsp. of sugar, a bowl of pineapple, 2 handfuls of dry roasted peanuts in shell, a bowl of steamed mixed vegetables and lots of water all day long. The only good thing of today is that I lost 1 pound! Happy Freaking Birthday to me!!!!!

It is now 3:11 a.m. in New York City. I should be asleep, 'cause I have to be up at 6 a.m., to get my son off to school. I am very proud of myself, today I did no B & P. When I woke up, I had a cup of black coffee with one tsp. of sugar and read the newspaper. Then, I did about 45 mins. of exercise in my room. I ate 12 oz. of prunes and drank water all day. At 7 p.m., my fiance & my son were stuffing their faces with pringles potato chips. My fiance invited me to munch with them and I firmly said "No". At dinner, I ate 1 1/2 cup of steamed mixed vegetables with salt substitute & 1/2 tsp of diet butter. Fought very hard to not give in to temptation of eating chocolate & I won!!! I would guess that I consumed less than 500 cals. I feel good, hope that I can keep it up.

Mother's Day was kinda stressful for me. Why do special occasions have to revolve around food? I had to make nice and eat so that family won't notice how little, I really eat lately. Afterwards, I feel so guilty, like I want to crawl out of my skin. Went to supermarket and bought a 12 oz. bag of prunes to get food out of system. Ate it, while I drank lots of cold water. Tomorrrow, I plan to eat nothing during the day and just eat steamed veggies at dinner. I will do at least 1 hr. of exercise. I've already lost 22 lbs. in the last 6 weeks.