Thursday, September 10, 2009

Getting Updated!!!

It's 12:57 a.m., here in New York and officially Sept. 11. I havent posted in over a month and for this I apologize!!! So much has happened. My weight has gone up and down, but currently am at 178 lbs. Still want to lose more, but family & friends are saying that I look great and it would be crazy to lose anymore weight. I don't agree and will lose more. I did a 4-day fast. It was not intentional, it was due to bad nerves. The "Special Friend", who became my lover turned out to be a very confusing person! He would text me and make plans to meet with me, then he wouldn't show up. I asked him if I was a one-time deal and he insisted that I was not. I was supposed to meet him a few weeks ago and he didn't show up. I got mad and called him & sent him to hell. I had broken up with my fiance, to be with him, but he wasn't there for me. I got back together with the bf on Aug 21. Things haven't been the same as before but they're okay. We even went to one of my sister's wedding. The problem with the bf is that he hasn't gotten a job in the 13 mos., that we've been in N.Y. He is currently looking for employment,'cause I put my foot down and demanded that he do so. We moved out of my mom's apt., on Sept. 3rd, but we moved into a rented room in the bsmt. of my friend's mother's house. The three other renters are single men and they are filthy pigs who have the bathroom looking like a gas station public restroom. I couldn't even find the strength to bathe my son at first in the disgusting shower stall. We were there 5 days before I bathed my son and told him to not touch anything! It was soooo gross!!! I had an argument with one of the guys 'cause he left the toilet seat up. I asked him nicely to please put it down when he uses the toilet. I let him know that now there was a woman and child living there. He was a total ass!!! On Sunday I was drinking at our room with the bf and things got a bit violent. The lady that rented to us said that he had to get a job or we would need to move out on Oct 1st. When she decided to rent to me, it was supposed to be for just me and my son, 'cause I was gonna send the bf back to Pa. I have been pressuring the bf to go out and look for a job every single day. And so far he hasn't found anything. I guess he got stressed out and was saying that he was gonna slit his wrists and then took his swiss army knife and attempted to do it. I freaked out and smacked him across the face and told him to be a man and not a sucker. I said that he would accomplish nothing by hurting himself! My mother called me on the 9th to ask me why was I saying that she told me that I had to be out of her house by September. And I told her "Because that's what you said & now I'm stuck in this place with my child living in less than sanitary conditions!" And she totally denied having said it. I said "Yes, you did, otherwise I wouldn't have left and gone to live in a rented room" Well she said that I was being disrespectful to her lately and treating her like shit. And I told her that how was I supposed to feel when she said that she wanted us out by Sept. I said that it made me feel like we were being a burden to her. I was not mooching off of her 'cause I was giving her money, buying whatever we would run out of and buying food and cooking for everyone on the weekends. She said that if I wanted that we could go back to her house, but that I had to be respectful and not do any drinking. She doesn't want me to drink, 'cause I used to be an alcoholic. But in July I had a Manic phase like I had never experienced and was self-medicating with weed & beer. I agreed to her terms for the sake of my son. I will now find a Psychiatrist and ask for meds to treat my BiPolar. The "Special Friend" finally texted me 2 nights ago, asking if I missed him. I said that he now seemed like a distant memory and asked if he missed me. He said "hell yes". I said "you're so full of shit, go play your head games with someone else" I told him that he was a very confusing person. The last thing I texted to him was "Bye, I have no time for your bullshit" That was at 3 a.m. Then last evening at 6:54 p.m., he texted me, asking if I knew where he could find an apt. or room. I asked him why he needed a place if he had his "roommate". He said that she was stalking him and driving him nuts and that he needed a place of his own. He said "too bad we not living together, so I could sample your food" I texted back "I offered everything to you on a silver platter and you missed your chance" He said in a voice mail that he would explain everything later and texted back if he could call me in 2 hrs. I said that he could call me. I waited and he did not call, but at 9:56 p.m., he texted and asked if we could meet up tomorow and chat. I did not hear that text when it came in, only read it like 2 hrs later. Then he sent a text at 10:04 p.m. saying "talk tomorrow, don't reply. ok. God Bless" He has some nerve! Don't really know what to do. Would love to be with him, but don't think it would be worth it to jeopardize my relationship with the bf. And who's to say that he would even show up if I agree to see him. My friend says to not take his calls and not answer his texts, to make him wait and suffer like he did to me. Frankly, when I texted him back 2 nights ago and said " bye, don't have time for your bullshit", I thought that I would not hear from him again. Well we'll see what happens. One thing for sure, I cannot stop thinking about him and the one time we were together. I hope that everyone has had great progress in their goals. Take care!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Rollercoaster Ride

It's 4:17 am, early Thursday morning, here in New York. I had broken up with the bf, last Tuesday. We made up on Friday, early morning. Went to my sister's Bridal Shower on Friday evening. It was at church and several ladies commented on my weight loss. Some, had not seen me for a few weeks. They were surprised about how much weight I had lost. I had not heard from my "Special Friend", for a few days. I bumped into him on Facebook, on Sunday afternoon. I called "P", and we spoke for a long time. Then my mother came home from church. We finished our phone conversation and started to text each other. He wanted to see me & I wanted to see him. I said that I would try my best to make up an excuse to get away from the apt. I did not sleep at all on Sunday night. In the morning, I got my son off to school. I wanted to see my Special Friend, but panicked about having him see my body. I weigh 190 lbs. I've lost 60 lbs, but do not feel cute. I said to myself "Fuck it, I don't hear him complaining. He just loves to grab at me." Then I started to get myself ready. Took a shower, shaved my legs and underarms. Applied sweet-smelling lotion all my body and legs. I have a cute, sexy short negligee that I had bought about 6 weeeks ago,but never used. I took it out of my drawer and put it in a black plastic bag. Got dressed in a black skirt and low-cut blouse. I told the bf, that I was going to the clinic, to speak with my Dr. That was just my excuse to get out of the apt. As soon as I was outside, I called my "Special Friend" and told him that I had managed to get out and that I wanted to see him. He said that he was on the highway and would pick me up. I told him where to meet me. I went to the clinic, left a mesage for my Dr. to call me. Then I went to the bathroom and removed my panties and placed them in a bag that I had. My "Special Friend" had told me to not wear panties. I then walked to our meeting spot and he was there in his truck. I got in and he looked happy and held my hand while he drove. He has a little apt in Long Island and was taking me there. We got there and were talking then started kissing and hugging. I excused myself to the bathroom and put on my negligee. He looked happy with what he saw. W e then laid on his bed kissing. I felt so comfortable with him. It was all great! He is a considerate and generous lover. He said to me "So now we're secret Lovers" And I said "Yes". I don't regret it one bit and hope that I never will. His diabetes started acting up and he had no medication with him. We cuddled and he held me like he never wanted to let go! We used the bathroom separately, got dressed and then got back in his truck. He said that he wants us to meet at his apt., at least once per week. He knows that I have to be careful and can't get away too often. He even left a job that he was going to, just to be with me. He has his own busines and does home repairs. Yesterday, I noticed that he was on Facebook chat and I said hi to him & he ignored me. He never does that to me. Then when I went to my list of friends, I could not find his name. Someone removed me from his Facebook page. It was most likely his "room-mate". I hate the bitch. They're just friends with benefits, but now that she knows about me, she feels threatened. She knows that he has real feelings for me. I will wait til he contacts me. I know that he will text or call me. I got on MySpace and got my own page. I went to my "Special Friend's" page on MySpace and put in a friend request. I have to reach him somehow. I am not giving up on him like I did 18 yrs ago. Good Luck to all of you who, like me, are still struggling against the pounds. We can do it!!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Break Up

It's 4:32 a.m., here in New York City. First of all, the Special Friend, "P", did not show up at my bestie's apt. Was feeling so disappointed, when I realized that he was not coming. We had a good time anyway, and no one noticed that anything was wrong with me. My best friend's birthday was on the 14th. It was a tuesday and I could not go visit her. My son goes to school even in the summer. On friday, I arrived with a strawberry shortcake and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon wine. The wine was from the supermarket. Surprisingly, it was of excellent quality with a nice deep red color and delicious taste. Was not too sweet or dry, very refreshing! I took my 5-cal juice, a 80-cal yogurt and a 130-cal marshmallow crispy treat. When I bring along my safe foods, I can hang out, have fun and not gain weight. On saturday, I had a big argument with the boyfriend. I need to move out of my mother's house by september. The problem is that my bf is unemployed. It's all up to me to budget the checks that my son and I receive. I manage to save some money, but then end up using part of it before the next month begins. I don't know where I will move to and it's driving me crazy! It's slowly sinking in that I might have to go to a shelter for families! And this is what's tearing me apart! How can I do this to my little boy? It makes my heart ache. And then the anger towards the bf set in. If he really loved us, he would've gotten a job, to help me get out of my mother's apt. We argued on sunday too. I told him why I was so anxious. I said to him" since you have all the answers, tell me where the hell are we supposed to move to in 6 weeks." He just placed his head in his hands and said nothing. I gave him an ultimatum, either get a job or we're done. He said that he can't find a job, 'cause he doesn't know english.(He's from Puerto Rico) I've tried to teach him english, but he doesn't want to learn. Then he blamed the bad economy. There are people who still manage to find jobs, you just have to be persistant. We've been in New York for 11 months and he's done nothing. On monday, he slept til 1:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday, he slept til 12:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday around 8:30 p.m., I asked him if he's been job hunting. He said that he had checked a couple of supermarkets, but no one is hiring. He didn't sound very convincing to me. I told him that if I was gonna do it all by myself, then I might as well be alone! I said that I was done and that he didn't even want to stay in New York. I decided last week to stay in N.Y., 'cause it's more beneficial to my son and he made a face. I don't know if he understood that I was breaking up with him or that he was stunned. He didn't eat monday or tuesday. Frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of worrying about everyone else and yet no one worries about me. I'm thinking him of buying him a bus ticket and sending his ass back to Pennsylvania. I'm gonna be the bitch that I was back in 1990 and look out only for me and my son. Everybody else can kiss my ass! Except all of you. I get such strength from you ladies and Pokerface. On the upside, I keep losing weight. I am now down to 192.5 lbs. This time last year, I was weighing 250 lbs, ugh! All that I ate on tuesday were two tiny cubes of cheddar cheese and nothing else. I now love having hunger pangs, they make me feel in control! I bumped into my friend "P", in facebook and we exchanged msgs, then naughty texts on our cell phones. We might see each other today(wednesday). He said that he will call me. He didn't go to my bestie's house, 'cause he was stuck in Long Island with no money. He has his own company that does affordable home repairs, but has lost a lot of business, due to the bad economy. I have an appt. today for Reproductive Medicine. I want to see if I can have one more baby, before I get too old. Never planned for my son, to be an only child, poor kid. The only thing that can save us, is if my bestie's mom were to rent me a room. I've rented from her before, when I was living with my son's father. Well, all of you wish me luck, so that I can put a roof over my son's head. Keep up the good work. Thank you all for following my blog and for all the comments and words of encouragement!!! Mwah!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Manic Phase

It's 2:12 a.m., still haven't slept, don't know if I will. I could not sleep on Tuesday night. I usually manage a nap of 3 or 4 hrs. during the early morning. On Wednesday morning, I could not sleep, just kept busy. I am Bi-Polar and seem to be going through a manic phase. The good part is, that I'm barely eating. I've lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I'm drinking lots of water, taking a multi-vitamin & doing my exercises. Last Saturday, I got in contact with an ex-bf, through Facebook. I dated him when he was incarcerated during 1991. I broke off our relationship after almost a year. I felt like I needed to be with someone that could be there physically for me. He is a great guy. He went out with some friends, after having spent the night drinking. Well the friends did a home invasion and before he knew it, he got convicted and spent like 16 yrs. in jail. This happened when he was very young. We have been texting each other since Saturday, for like hours. I was honest and said that I was involved with someone and am engaged. But now, I'm confused! All the old feelings have come rushing back to me. He is also involved with someone, but it seems like an "open" relationship. He asked if I would be willing to meet with him. I said that I didn't know about it. Well on Wednesday morning, I texted him and said that I wanted to see him. I don't know why I did it. This is totally out of character for me. I was 10 yrs. with my son's father and never cheated on him. And believe me, with the shit that he put me through, he deserved for me to do him wrong. This friend, who I shall call "P", is a sweetheart and good listener. And he's honest & upfront about who he is. We met and he picked me up in his truck. I was so nervous that I was shaking! Then he asked for a hug. We hugged and the world disappeared. I felt excited and soooo alive! We parked and talked. Somehow we ended up kissing & making out like highschool kids. There was caressing and touching. It felt so good to be wrapped up in his bear-hug. OMG!!! And he is tall, 6'1". At one point, my cell phone rang, and it was my bf. I took the call, he wanted to know where I was & when would I be getting back home. I had said earlier that I was going to the clinic, to drop a paper for my son's Dr. to fill out. I did go to clinic and dropped off paper, but that took all of 15 mins. I was gone for a little over 3 hrs. "P" asked me that where would "this between us be going". I said that I didn't know, as I had never been in a similar situation and if we could just take it one day at a time. At this point in my life, I never imagined going through something like this. We have a mutual friend and I started to tell her about us and she said that it wasn't right. She said that my bf and my son, did not deserve my doing this. I later texted her and told her that she is right and that it was just as well that nothing happened & that I would limit my contact with "P". But I lied. I do plan to keep on seeing him. He is like a drug and now I am hooked. After I got home, he texted me and said that he missed me. So now I have this huge secret that I cannot share with anyone, except all of you here. Every time that I think of him, I grin like The Cheshire Cat. I have to be careful and not let my emotions show on my face. I texted him early during the day and he did not respond, which he always does immediately. Well, he found me while I was on Facebook. He said that he's sorry for not texting me back. His phone got disconnected. But tomorrow we will both be at our mutual friend's house to celebrate her birthday. The only problem is, that I will be with my bf and my son. I hope that everything will go well. I will keep all of you up to date. And thank you all for reading my blog and for all the comments!!! Take care!

Monday, July 13, 2009

199.5 lbs

It is 5:40 a.m., on Monday. I've not gone to bed yet. I have alot on my mind. I had an argument with my mother about 2 fridays ago. Once again, we argued over her lack of cleaning. This time she said that if I didn't like her apt, that I could find some other place to live in. That's fine with me and hopefully, I will be moving out by September. I've decided to remain here in New York. It offers my son more therapies and better medical coverage. I mentioned to him that we might be returning to Pa. and he said, "NO, wanna stay here in Grandma's house". Well, we will be staying in N.Y, but not at grandma's place. Most likely, I will rent a room, until I can find an affordable housing. Went to an interview, to see if my son can get a case manager. This will be someone that will be an advocate for the both of us. I have to wait for 4 wks. to see if we get approved. Don't see any reason why we wouldn't. I've never posted my weight in my blog, but now I will. As of 30 mins. ago, I weigh 199.5 lbs. I know that I am still a fatty, but I've comme a long way. I started at 245.5 lbs., and have lost 46 lbs. My mother came into my room yesterday evening to chat. She looks at me and asks me how much weight have I lost. I told her, 45 lbs. And then she says, but how much do you weigh? I said, exactly 200 lbs. She tells me that I need to stop losing weight, because my face is looking thin. Ha! What good is it if my face is thin, but the rest of me is still fat??? I think that she is just jealous and wants to sabotage my weight loss. If anything, that makes me want to keep losing more. I started the ABC Diet, but got off of it for the weekend. On Friday, I went to hang out at my best friend's apt, but I took my homemade juice and water bottle and a safe snack. Last time that I went to her place, I gained 3 lbs. in one evening. This time, there was no weight gain. Yay, for me. Today, I will be back on the ABC Diet. Gotta, go, time to get my son ready for school. Will be back on later, to post juicy details about a guy that I once knew and have reconnected with on Facebook!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

40 lbs.

It's 3:36 a.m., here in New York. Today I weighed myself and I have now lost 40 lbs. Don't dare to write down my weight yet. If I lose 6 lbs., by 07/01, then I will post my weight. I'm ashamed, 'cause it's a high number, compared to all the thin girls here. I finally finished my period. I lost 2 lbs., since thursday. But I gained 1 lb., during my period. I did not lose control during those days and I'm proud of that. But on thursday, I binged on cookies and then purged. Was mad, 'cause I had been a week without purging. I'm gonna make my Pineapple, Carrot & Apple Juice in the juicer and sip on that saturday & sunday, and not eat any solid food. I want the numbers on the scale to keep going down. I need to lose another 55 lbs., at least. Today (friday), I made potato salad and steamed, chicken breast cutlets. I tasted a small spoonful of the potato salad and tiny piece of the meat. And let me tell you, it was yummy. Thought of binging & purging, but I did not do it. I made a delicious salad with tofu for my dinner. I want to lose weight,but not starve. I marinated 5 tofu slices in low-sodium teriyaki sauce for 30 mins. I sprayed bottom of frying pan with non-stick spray and sauteed the tofu. Then I placed a bed of fresh, spinach leaves in a large bowl, added salad dressing spray (5 cals. per spray), cut 6 baby carrots into thin strips, cut 10 grape tomatoes in halves, sprinkled Nu Salt (salt substitute) on it all, then added the tofu in bite-size pieces. This was my 1st time trying tofu. I liked it, it was a flavorful and filling dinner. Best of all, I don't think it was even 200 cals. The only thing that I had eaten in the day was a 80-cal nonfat yogurt. I had a few PB& Choc. cups & a few caramel cream candies like 2 hrs. after dinner for dessert. My total amount of calories for the day was, 520 cals. I think that's a decent number, considering how out of control my eating was before the month of March. I got mad at my mother, 'cause I was saying, how important nutrition is for good health. She had the nerve to tell me " It won't last, you'll go back to eating like you were before, and gain the weight back, like you did after you got pregnant". God forgive me, but when she said that to me, I cursed her out in my mind and genuinely hated her at the moment. Why does she feel the need to put me down instead of encouraging me? I'm trying so hard and as usual, she offers no support. I need to get the hell away from her and soon. I hate the way that she makes me feel about myself. She makes me feel like a big, fat useless Blob!!! She is no skinny minnie either. She's like 5'2" and weighs around 185 lbs. She's never given me any credit when I do something right. She is always criticizing and finding fault in everything that I do. She is the reason why I went to the park in 1990 and swallowed 2 bottles of sleeping pills (64 pills). I really wanted to end my life. When the paramedics picked me up from under the park bench, I was seizing. When I woke up in the hospital that evening, I was mad to be alive!!! She even tried to say that the reason my son is autistic, is because I barely ate during the first 3 mos. of my pregnancy. My periods were very irregular and I didn't even know that I was pregnant. Nobody even knows the cause of Autism, but as usual, she had to blame me for it. Why can't she see the Real Me??? Why can't she be a loving & supportive mother??? I can't wait for september, when I get my own place here in New York or back in Pennsylvania. The way things are going, I think that I will be returning back to Pennsylvania. The more distance between my mother and I, the better for my sanity & self esteem. I'll just try to visit more often, so that my son can see the family. But the next time I come for a visit from Pennsylvania, I will not be staying at my mother's apt. I will see if I can stay at my cousin's place. We're very close and she has an apt. right on my mother's street. I can bring an inflatable mattress, for my son & I to sleep on. My cousin has a 1-bedroom apt. and her 24-yr. old daughter sleeps in it. My cousin sleeps on a futon in the living room. I can sleep with my son in the living room for a few days. I curse the moment that I decided to give up my apt. in Pa. and move in with my mother. I just need to save enough money and get someone in Pa., to help me look for an apt. I'll just keep looking to the near future, in order to keep sane. well enough of my ranting. I hope everyone is doing better than me & has a good weekend. At least my mother will be in Connecticut from early morning saturday until at least the evening. Hopefully, I will have a peaceful day. Take care & think thin!!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Dental Drama

It's 2:20 a.m., here in New York City. I had a dental appt. on saturday. The visit was for teeth extraction. The Dental Surgeon, removed 2 molars on the left side in my upper gum and 1 molar in my bottom gum on the same side. It was okay, 'cause there was no pain whatsoever. Bleeding was minimal. Some swelling, but it went down quickly that same day. I can't eat solids, 'cause I have a stitch where each molar was. I got 2 prescriptions filled. Ibuprofen for pain and Amoxicillan to prevent infection. I bought yogurt and soup before going to my appt. I've been eating that since saturday. I haven't purged for 4 days. I got my period on saturday morning, so I haven't seen the numbers go down on the scale. I feel alot lighter. I know that once I finish with my period, that the numbers on the scale will start going down fast. I bought a bag of prunes, to help accelerate the weight loss, but not eating them yet. After my appt., I went shoping by myself. I needed to get Father's Day gifts for my dad, brother-in-law and my fiance. Got everything, went home and cooked a quick meal. I made cheesy rice with broccoli, from 2 packets that I bought and 2 family-size boxes of salisbury steak. Everything was done in less than 30 mins. Of course I did not even touch that food. I ate my soup, like a good girl. My total for the day were 255 calories. On sunday, I went to church for Bible class and afternoon service. There was a special dinner in honor of all the fathers. At my table this lady with her 3 whiny kids sat across from me. I got upset as soon as I saw them sit down. They have no manners and the mother has no control over the kids. I would've left, but my son wanted to eat dinner and cake w/ice cream. It didn't help that we had to wait a long time to get served. I left with a headache and a bad mood. I did not eat and took a plate of food to my fiance. Went home and was thinking that we would all get together at my mom's. I called one of my sisters and she said that she would not be coming over. She told me that she was going to my dad's apartment. So, I quickly got the gifts into a reusable bag and put a snack together and headed over to my dad's with my fiance & son. My sister was there with her husband & son. We had a good time and my dad was happy to see us there. They also had food and cake. I was offered both, but used my teeth extraction as an excuse and politely declined. This dental procedure is a blessing in disguise. It's helping me to say "NO" to food and I have a justifiable reason. The stitches will fall off on their own. I was told that it will take 7-10 days for that to happen. Wonder how many pounds I can lose in that time. I'm drinking lots of water & green tea with berry tea, and they both have zero calories. I get a little hungry, but it makes me feel good to deny myself all that fattening food. My mother sasw me eating a bowl of mixed veggies the other night. She asked if that was all that I would be having for dinner. I said "yes" and she said that I needed to eat meat. I told her "NO, there's no need for meat. I can get protein from beans and dairy products". First she used to say that I was eating too much food and junk food. Now she's critisizing my food choices. She needs to make up her mind & mind her business. She tells me to not get as skinny as I was before like in 1998. But that's exactly what I plan to do. I'm 5 feet 6 inches and I don't think 150 lbs is too skinny. I felt good at that weight. Might go down to 145 lbs., but no lower than that. I still have a ways to go, but know that I can do it!!! I'm happy to see that I now have 19 followers. I wish to thak each one of you who read my blog and those who write me comments. I appreciate your encouragements and tips! Take care my sisters!!!