The Break Up

It's 4:32 a.m., here in New York City. First of all, the Special Friend, "P", did not show up at my bestie's apt. Was feeling so disappointed, when I realized that he was not coming. We had a good time anyway, and no one noticed that anything was wrong with me. My best friend's birthday was on the 14th. It was a tuesday and I could not go visit her. My son goes to school even in the summer. On friday, I arrived with a strawberry shortcake and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon wine. The wine was from the supermarket. Surprisingly, it was of excellent quality with a nice deep red color and delicious taste. Was not too sweet or dry, very refreshing! I took my 5-cal juice, a 80-cal yogurt and a 130-cal marshmallow crispy treat. When I bring along my safe foods, I can hang out, have fun and not gain weight. On saturday, I had a big argument with the boyfriend. I need to move out of my mother's house by september. The problem is that my bf is unemployed. It's all up to me to budget the checks that my son and I receive. I manage to save some money, but then end up using part of it before the next month begins. I don't know where I will move to and it's driving me crazy! It's slowly sinking in that I might have to go to a shelter for families! And this is what's tearing me apart! How can I do this to my little boy? It makes my heart ache. And then the anger towards the bf set in. If he really loved us, he would've gotten a job, to help me get out of my mother's apt. We argued on sunday too. I told him why I was so anxious. I said to him" since you have all the answers, tell me where the hell are we supposed to move to in 6 weeks." He just placed his head in his hands and said nothing. I gave him an ultimatum, either get a job or we're done. He said that he can't find a job, 'cause he doesn't know english.(He's from Puerto Rico) I've tried to teach him english, but he doesn't want to learn. Then he blamed the bad economy. There are people who still manage to find jobs, you just have to be persistant. We've been in New York for 11 months and he's done nothing. On monday, he slept til 1:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday, he slept til 12:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday around 8:30 p.m., I asked him if he's been job hunting. He said that he had checked a couple of supermarkets, but no one is hiring. He didn't sound very convincing to me. I told him that if I was gonna do it all by myself, then I might as well be alone! I said that I was done and that he didn't even want to stay in New York. I decided last week to stay in N.Y., 'cause it's more beneficial to my son and he made a face. I don't know if he understood that I was breaking up with him or that he was stunned. He didn't eat monday or tuesday. Frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of worrying about everyone else and yet no one worries about me. I'm thinking him of buying him a bus ticket and sending his ass back to Pennsylvania. I'm gonna be the bitch that I was back in 1990 and look out only for me and my son. Everybody else can kiss my ass! Except all of you. I get such strength from you ladies and Pokerface. On the upside, I keep losing weight. I am now down to 192.5 lbs. This time last year, I was weighing 250 lbs, ugh! All that I ate on tuesday were two tiny cubes of cheddar cheese and nothing else. I now love having hunger pangs, they make me feel in control! I bumped into my friend "P", in facebook and we exchanged msgs, then naughty texts on our cell phones. We might see each other today(wednesday). He said that he will call me. He didn't go to my bestie's house, 'cause he was stuck in Long Island with no money. He has his own company that does affordable home repairs, but has lost a lot of business, due to the bad economy. I have an appt. today for Reproductive Medicine. I want to see if I can have one more baby, before I get too old. Never planned for my son, to be an only child, poor kid. The only thing that can save us, is if my bestie's mom were to rent me a room. I've rented from her before, when I was living with my son's father. Well, all of you wish me luck, so that I can put a roof over my son's head. Keep up the good work. Thank you all for following my blog and for all the comments and words of encouragement!!! Mwah!