Thursday, July 16, 2009
It's 2:12 a.m., still haven't slept, don't know if I will. I could not sleep on Tuesday night. I usually manage a nap of 3 or 4 hrs. during the early morning. On Wednesday morning, I could not sleep, just kept busy. I am Bi-Polar and seem to be going through a manic phase. The good part is, that I'm barely eating. I've lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I'm drinking lots of water, taking a multi-vitamin & doing my exercises. Last Saturday, I got in contact with an ex-bf, through Facebook. I dated him when he was incarcerated during 1991. I broke off our relationship after almost a year. I felt like I needed to be with someone that could be there physically for me. He is a great guy. He went out with some friends, after having spent the night drinking. Well the friends did a home invasion and before he knew it, he got convicted and spent like 16 yrs. in jail. This happened when he was very young. We have been texting each other since Saturday, for like hours. I was honest and said that I was involved with someone and am engaged. But now, I'm confused! All the old feelings have come rushing back to me. He is also involved with someone, but it seems like an "open" relationship. He asked if I would be willing to meet with him. I said that I didn't know about it. Well on Wednesday morning, I texted him and said that I wanted to see him. I don't know why I did it. This is totally out of character for me. I was 10 yrs. with my son's father and never cheated on him. And believe me, with the shit that he put me through, he deserved for me to do him wrong. This friend, who I shall call "P", is a sweetheart and good listener. And he's honest & upfront about who he is. We met and he picked me up in his truck. I was so nervous that I was shaking! Then he asked for a hug. We hugged and the world disappeared. I felt excited and soooo alive! We parked and talked. Somehow we ended up kissing & making out like highschool kids. There was caressing and touching. It felt so good to be wrapped up in his bear-hug. OMG!!! And he is tall, 6'1". At one point, my cell phone rang, and it was my bf. I took the call, he wanted to know where I was & when would I be getting back home. I had said earlier that I was going to the clinic, to drop a paper for my son's Dr. to fill out. I did go to clinic and dropped off paper, but that took all of 15 mins. I was gone for a little over 3 hrs. "P" asked me that where would "this between us be going". I said that I didn't know, as I had never been in a similar situation and if we could just take it one day at a time. At this point in my life, I never imagined going through something like this. We have a mutual friend and I started to tell her about us and she said that it wasn't right. She said that my bf and my son, did not deserve my doing this. I later texted her and told her that she is right and that it was just as well that nothing happened & that I would limit my contact with "P". But I lied. I do plan to keep on seeing him. He is like a drug and now I am hooked. After I got home, he texted me and said that he missed me. So now I have this huge secret that I cannot share with anyone, except all of you here. Every time that I think of him, I grin like The Cheshire Cat. I have to be careful and not let my emotions show on my face. I texted him early during the day and he did not respond, which he always does immediately. Well, he found me while I was on Facebook. He said that he's sorry for not texting me back. His phone got disconnected. But tomorrow we will both be at our mutual friend's house to celebrate her birthday. The only problem is, that I will be with my bf and my son. I hope that everything will go well. I will keep all of you up to date. And thank you all for reading my blog and for all the comments!!! Take care!