Saturday, June 27, 2009

40 lbs.

It's 3:36 a.m., here in New York. Today I weighed myself and I have now lost 40 lbs. Don't dare to write down my weight yet. If I lose 6 lbs., by 07/01, then I will post my weight. I'm ashamed, 'cause it's a high number, compared to all the thin girls here. I finally finished my period. I lost 2 lbs., since thursday. But I gained 1 lb., during my period. I did not lose control during those days and I'm proud of that. But on thursday, I binged on cookies and then purged. Was mad, 'cause I had been a week without purging. I'm gonna make my Pineapple, Carrot & Apple Juice in the juicer and sip on that saturday & sunday, and not eat any solid food. I want the numbers on the scale to keep going down. I need to lose another 55 lbs., at least. Today (friday), I made potato salad and steamed, chicken breast cutlets. I tasted a small spoonful of the potato salad and tiny piece of the meat. And let me tell you, it was yummy. Thought of binging & purging, but I did not do it. I made a delicious salad with tofu for my dinner. I want to lose weight,but not starve. I marinated 5 tofu slices in low-sodium teriyaki sauce for 30 mins. I sprayed bottom of frying pan with non-stick spray and sauteed the tofu. Then I placed a bed of fresh, spinach leaves in a large bowl, added salad dressing spray (5 cals. per spray), cut 6 baby carrots into thin strips, cut 10 grape tomatoes in halves, sprinkled Nu Salt (salt substitute) on it all, then added the tofu in bite-size pieces. This was my 1st time trying tofu. I liked it, it was a flavorful and filling dinner. Best of all, I don't think it was even 200 cals. The only thing that I had eaten in the day was a 80-cal nonfat yogurt. I had a few PB& Choc. cups & a few caramel cream candies like 2 hrs. after dinner for dessert. My total amount of calories for the day was, 520 cals. I think that's a decent number, considering how out of control my eating was before the month of March. I got mad at my mother, 'cause I was saying, how important nutrition is for good health. She had the nerve to tell me " It won't last, you'll go back to eating like you were before, and gain the weight back, like you did after you got pregnant". God forgive me, but when she said that to me, I cursed her out in my mind and genuinely hated her at the moment. Why does she feel the need to put me down instead of encouraging me? I'm trying so hard and as usual, she offers no support. I need to get the hell away from her and soon. I hate the way that she makes me feel about myself. She makes me feel like a big, fat useless Blob!!! She is no skinny minnie either. She's like 5'2" and weighs around 185 lbs. She's never given me any credit when I do something right. She is always criticizing and finding fault in everything that I do. She is the reason why I went to the park in 1990 and swallowed 2 bottles of sleeping pills (64 pills). I really wanted to end my life. When the paramedics picked me up from under the park bench, I was seizing. When I woke up in the hospital that evening, I was mad to be alive!!! She even tried to say that the reason my son is autistic, is because I barely ate during the first 3 mos. of my pregnancy. My periods were very irregular and I didn't even know that I was pregnant. Nobody even knows the cause of Autism, but as usual, she had to blame me for it. Why can't she see the Real Me??? Why can't she be a loving & supportive mother??? I can't wait for september, when I get my own place here in New York or back in Pennsylvania. The way things are going, I think that I will be returning back to Pennsylvania. The more distance between my mother and I, the better for my sanity & self esteem. I'll just try to visit more often, so that my son can see the family. But the next time I come for a visit from Pennsylvania, I will not be staying at my mother's apt. I will see if I can stay at my cousin's place. We're very close and she has an apt. right on my mother's street. I can bring an inflatable mattress, for my son & I to sleep on. My cousin has a 1-bedroom apt. and her 24-yr. old daughter sleeps in it. My cousin sleeps on a futon in the living room. I can sleep with my son in the living room for a few days. I curse the moment that I decided to give up my apt. in Pa. and move in with my mother. I just need to save enough money and get someone in Pa., to help me look for an apt. I'll just keep looking to the near future, in order to keep sane. well enough of my ranting. I hope everyone is doing better than me & has a good weekend. At least my mother will be in Connecticut from early morning saturday until at least the evening. Hopefully, I will have a peaceful day. Take care & think thin!!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Dental Drama

It's 2:20 a.m., here in New York City. I had a dental appt. on saturday. The visit was for teeth extraction. The Dental Surgeon, removed 2 molars on the left side in my upper gum and 1 molar in my bottom gum on the same side. It was okay, 'cause there was no pain whatsoever. Bleeding was minimal. Some swelling, but it went down quickly that same day. I can't eat solids, 'cause I have a stitch where each molar was. I got 2 prescriptions filled. Ibuprofen for pain and Amoxicillan to prevent infection. I bought yogurt and soup before going to my appt. I've been eating that since saturday. I haven't purged for 4 days. I got my period on saturday morning, so I haven't seen the numbers go down on the scale. I feel alot lighter. I know that once I finish with my period, that the numbers on the scale will start going down fast. I bought a bag of prunes, to help accelerate the weight loss, but not eating them yet. After my appt., I went shoping by myself. I needed to get Father's Day gifts for my dad, brother-in-law and my fiance. Got everything, went home and cooked a quick meal. I made cheesy rice with broccoli, from 2 packets that I bought and 2 family-size boxes of salisbury steak. Everything was done in less than 30 mins. Of course I did not even touch that food. I ate my soup, like a good girl. My total for the day were 255 calories. On sunday, I went to church for Bible class and afternoon service. There was a special dinner in honor of all the fathers. At my table this lady with her 3 whiny kids sat across from me. I got upset as soon as I saw them sit down. They have no manners and the mother has no control over the kids. I would've left, but my son wanted to eat dinner and cake w/ice cream. It didn't help that we had to wait a long time to get served. I left with a headache and a bad mood. I did not eat and took a plate of food to my fiance. Went home and was thinking that we would all get together at my mom's. I called one of my sisters and she said that she would not be coming over. She told me that she was going to my dad's apartment. So, I quickly got the gifts into a reusable bag and put a snack together and headed over to my dad's with my fiance & son. My sister was there with her husband & son. We had a good time and my dad was happy to see us there. They also had food and cake. I was offered both, but used my teeth extraction as an excuse and politely declined. This dental procedure is a blessing in disguise. It's helping me to say "NO" to food and I have a justifiable reason. The stitches will fall off on their own. I was told that it will take 7-10 days for that to happen. Wonder how many pounds I can lose in that time. I'm drinking lots of water & green tea with berry tea, and they both have zero calories. I get a little hungry, but it makes me feel good to deny myself all that fattening food. My mother sasw me eating a bowl of mixed veggies the other night. She asked if that was all that I would be having for dinner. I said "yes" and she said that I needed to eat meat. I told her "NO, there's no need for meat. I can get protein from beans and dairy products". First she used to say that I was eating too much food and junk food. Now she's critisizing my food choices. She needs to make up her mind & mind her business. She tells me to not get as skinny as I was before like in 1998. But that's exactly what I plan to do. I'm 5 feet 6 inches and I don't think 150 lbs is too skinny. I felt good at that weight. Might go down to 145 lbs., but no lower than that. I still have a ways to go, but know that I can do it!!! I'm happy to see that I now have 19 followers. I wish to thak each one of you who read my blog and those who write me comments. I appreciate your encouragements and tips! Take care my sisters!!!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Time To Move On???

It's 5:37, and I've not slept a wink. Yesterday afternoon, I had yet another argument with my mother. She cooked on thursday. Yesterday, I took a pack of chicken thighs out of the freezer to defrost. At 4 p.m., I was about to get dinner started. She asked me what was I planning to cook, and I said that I wasn't sure. So she suggested pork chops. I told her that I had already defrosted the chicken thighs.She said "we'll be flying soon, from eating so much chicken. My sister had done boiled boneless chicken breasts on Monday with some milk sauce. I was gonna let the comment slide, but just couldn't stop myself. So I asked her why does she always have to criticize everything. And she says "all I did was make a comment" And I told her that I was sick of it 'cause all that comes out of her mouth is criticism and negativity. She always has something to say, without thinking about how it will affect a person. My mother is really toxic. So basically I told her that I was making Baked Brown Rice and steamed chicken thighs and to let me cook in peace. I said " you can eat it or not, it really doesn't matter to me one way or the other! She had the nerve to say that I need a Psychiatrist. And I told her that if I need one, then she needs a better one. She always try to make it seem like I'm paranoid and twisted in my way of reasoning & thinking. But, I've talked things over with my fiance & closest friends and they all seem to agree with me. About 30 mins. later she left the apt. I could care less. She returned during the early evening. We haven't talked since then. I have made a decision. At the end of the summer, I will move back to Pennsylvania. I have to do it because I need to move out, but the rent here in New York is too damn high. I refuse to pay $800/mo. to live in a rented room with my son & fiance. For much less than that, I can rent a decent 2-bedroom apt. in Pa. My fiance already spoke with his best friend in Pa., to help us look for an apt. Now, I have to save as much money as I can. It's a perfect excuse to spend less $$$ on food. LOL I told my 8-yr. old that we would be moving back to Pa., and he does not like the idea. He wants to stay here in N.Y., 'cause all of our family is here. It's so sad. He just doesn't realize all the stress that Grandma is causing his Mommy.

Monday, June 8, 2009

My Mother Is Driving Me Mad !!!!

It's 3:53 a.m. and I am still so freaking mad about what happened yesterday evening! Where shall I start? Okay, I moved in with my mom & youngest sister (30 yrs), last summer. Along with my fiance & my 8 yr old son. So my mother baby-sits my now 4 yr old nephew. She told me that she would cook Mon-Thurs, and I would cook during the weekends. Fine with me. Except that when my sister would not bring her son over, my mother would not cook even if it was her assigned day. So I would buy food and cook & wash dishes and clean the kitchen at end of night. This past wednesday she tells me that my sister would bring her son over the next day, but she & her husband would be leaving right away & not eat at my mother's apt. This is my mother's way of telling me that she would NOT be cooking on thursday and that my turn for cooking would begin 1 day earlier. My sister left for vacation on friday and will not be bringing her son over to my mother's place til June 16. I told my fiance, "my mother better not think that I'm gonna spend my money buying food & cooking for everyone for 12 straight days!" So, I cooked on thursday, friday, saturday & sunday. I get no help from absolutely anyone. On sunday, when my mother came from church at around 5 p.m., she was accompanied by my cousin. He's gotten into the habit of dropping by a couple of times during the week & eating at my mother's too. He's about 43 yrs old and lives with his mother, due to the fact that he had a drug problem. But now he's found religion, but no job, so he's mooching of whomever he can. So when they were eating, I told my mother, "oh I'm not cooking tomorrow, you & my sister can cook for the next couple of days". Well of course, she had a problem with that and asks why can't my fiance cook too. He cooked one time,but she's very controlling & doesn't let others cook in peace. She likes to hover over people and tell them how to do things. So now, he refuses to cook ever again. Can't say that I blame him. So I asked her what's the problem with her & my sister cooking. And she mumbled some lame excuse & basically said that she doesn't have to cook. My sister just graduated university last week & hasn't worked since December. My cousin had to butt in & say why can't I just cook for me & my fiance & son. I told him about the deal that my mother had made with me about our assigned days for cooking. I told him it's not fair that everyone can eat when I buy, cook the food & do clean-up, but they can't do the same in return. I give money just like my sister, so why can't she cook for everyone like I do. I help pay the electric bill, too. When it's my turn to cook, if there is no oil or rice or seasonings, I buy them. So my cousin just shook his head & told me to calm down. He knows that it's not fair, but won't go against my mother, 'cause she just bought him a tiny laptop about 2 wks. ago. So now he has to kiss her ass. Basically, my mother said that she's NOT cooking, she'll eat whatever is in the fridge or cupboards. But when my sister returns from vacation, she'll cook for them 'cause my sister brings her rice, beans, meat and food from when she goes grocery shopping for her own household. She's always treated this sister of mine better than the rest of us! Yet she denies it. I thought that this bullshit would be over and done with. I feel so disappointed and truly heartsick!!! I feel like I will never be good enough for my mother. I hate the way she makes me feel. I regret a million times ever deciding to move into her home. I'm gonna talk with my best friend's mom. Her mom has a house close by and rents out rooms. I feel so trapped. Why are some mothers such Bitches with their own offspring??? For a long time, I even doubted my own mother's love for me. She is the reason that I tried to kill myself back in November of 2000. I will never be able to understand her. I have to leave her house soon before I start hating her or do/say something that I will really regret!!! So, for now, I'm not doing any cooking, just simple preparation of food for fiance & my son. On the other hand, this will do wonders for my diet. Yesterday and today I just had coffee, tea, fruit and a plate of veggies for dinner. I've lost a total of 31 lbs., since March. I am still ashamed to post my weight, but I promise that I will write it in my blog very soon. Hopefully, that will be in less than 2 weeks. Be strong & think thin. Oh, I just discovered that there is someone else with a blog that has the same name as mine. The only difference that I could see is that she leaves a space between the words Hungry and Hippo.( Hungry-Hippo) I write mine, (HungryHippo) I hope that no one is confused by this. I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog. Any of you know how I would go about doing that?

Monday, June 1, 2009

The weekend

It's 4 a.m., here in New York City. I should be sleeping, 'cause I have a Dr's appt & have to get my son ready for school. My baby was sick on thursday night. He vomited and had a low grade fever. I did not send him to school on friday. He was better and asked for soup w/crackers, for lunch. I gave it to him, along with some grape Pedialyte. It was my turn to cook dinner, so I made macaroni with shredded chicken. I season then steam the chicken legs. After they have cooked, I use 2 forks & shred the meat. I pour spagetti sauce into a pan, and add some italian seasonings, then add the shredded chicken. I let it simmer for a few mins., then add it to the cooked macaroni. I tasted it after it was all prepared and it tasted yummy to me. Well., I then went to my room, for about 40 mins. When I went to the living room, my sister had arrived, took her son and she & her husband left. So I asked my mom about my sister and she says, "oh she & her husband left without eating. They felt that the food had too much black pepper" This is Total B.S.!!! I used a seasoning that did NOT have black pepper. I also used another seasoning which my sister had bought over to my mom's, 'cause she said that she liked it and it did not make the food too spicy or salty. My sister is starting to piss me off, 'cause it seems like she always finds something wrong with my cooking. Grrr! And actually, my fiance & my son love my cooking. Other people have said that I'm a good cook. I asked my other sister for her opinion & she said that it was just fine. On saturday, I was supposed to go to a baby shower at church. Well my mother & I were gonna go buy the gifts during the morning. I woke up with a very sore throat, but decided to go shopping anyway, to avoid my mother from nagging at me. We went outside and had trouble figuring out the new procedure for paying these express buse around our area. You need to get some card first and swipe it on this machine at the bus stop, before you board the bus. Mind you, I've been living out of state for the past 10 yrs., so I accidently got the wrong cards. Anyway, to make a long story short, she pissed me off. I told her, "I'm not going to deal with this crap no more, you can go by yourself". And I walked away & went home. I am soo tired of dealing with this crazy lady. It seems like she has the beginnings of Alzheimers, but she is in deep denial. I told her that she needs to see her doctor about her forgetfulness & confusion. She says there is nothing wrong with her. I'm sorry but I beg to differ. She came back at about 1:30 p.m. & left to the baby shower at almost 3 p.m. My son had fever again, so I gave him medicine. I cooked dinner, yellow rice with chicken thighs and pink beans in sauce. I cook dinner & don't even eat it. I usually steam some vegetables for me. I was not happy on saturday, 'cause I had gained 2 pounds. I don't even know how the heck that happened! On sunday, I didn't do much. Was kinda happy 'cause I had dropped the 2 pounds & lost 2 more. I cooked baked brown rice & corned beef with yellow plantains in it.Gotta get some rest now!