Thursday, July 30, 2009

Rollercoaster Ride

It's 4:17 am, early Thursday morning, here in New York. I had broken up with the bf, last Tuesday. We made up on Friday, early morning. Went to my sister's Bridal Shower on Friday evening. It was at church and several ladies commented on my weight loss. Some, had not seen me for a few weeks. They were surprised about how much weight I had lost. I had not heard from my "Special Friend", for a few days. I bumped into him on Facebook, on Sunday afternoon. I called "P", and we spoke for a long time. Then my mother came home from church. We finished our phone conversation and started to text each other. He wanted to see me & I wanted to see him. I said that I would try my best to make up an excuse to get away from the apt. I did not sleep at all on Sunday night. In the morning, I got my son off to school. I wanted to see my Special Friend, but panicked about having him see my body. I weigh 190 lbs. I've lost 60 lbs, but do not feel cute. I said to myself "Fuck it, I don't hear him complaining. He just loves to grab at me." Then I started to get myself ready. Took a shower, shaved my legs and underarms. Applied sweet-smelling lotion all my body and legs. I have a cute, sexy short negligee that I had bought about 6 weeeks ago,but never used. I took it out of my drawer and put it in a black plastic bag. Got dressed in a black skirt and low-cut blouse. I told the bf, that I was going to the clinic, to speak with my Dr. That was just my excuse to get out of the apt. As soon as I was outside, I called my "Special Friend" and told him that I had managed to get out and that I wanted to see him. He said that he was on the highway and would pick me up. I told him where to meet me. I went to the clinic, left a mesage for my Dr. to call me. Then I went to the bathroom and removed my panties and placed them in a bag that I had. My "Special Friend" had told me to not wear panties. I then walked to our meeting spot and he was there in his truck. I got in and he looked happy and held my hand while he drove. He has a little apt in Long Island and was taking me there. We got there and were talking then started kissing and hugging. I excused myself to the bathroom and put on my negligee. He looked happy with what he saw. W e then laid on his bed kissing. I felt so comfortable with him. It was all great! He is a considerate and generous lover. He said to me "So now we're secret Lovers" And I said "Yes". I don't regret it one bit and hope that I never will. His diabetes started acting up and he had no medication with him. We cuddled and he held me like he never wanted to let go! We used the bathroom separately, got dressed and then got back in his truck. He said that he wants us to meet at his apt., at least once per week. He knows that I have to be careful and can't get away too often. He even left a job that he was going to, just to be with me. He has his own busines and does home repairs. Yesterday, I noticed that he was on Facebook chat and I said hi to him & he ignored me. He never does that to me. Then when I went to my list of friends, I could not find his name. Someone removed me from his Facebook page. It was most likely his "room-mate". I hate the bitch. They're just friends with benefits, but now that she knows about me, she feels threatened. She knows that he has real feelings for me. I will wait til he contacts me. I know that he will text or call me. I got on MySpace and got my own page. I went to my "Special Friend's" page on MySpace and put in a friend request. I have to reach him somehow. I am not giving up on him like I did 18 yrs ago. Good Luck to all of you who, like me, are still struggling against the pounds. We can do it!!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Break Up

It's 4:32 a.m., here in New York City. First of all, the Special Friend, "P", did not show up at my bestie's apt. Was feeling so disappointed, when I realized that he was not coming. We had a good time anyway, and no one noticed that anything was wrong with me. My best friend's birthday was on the 14th. It was a tuesday and I could not go visit her. My son goes to school even in the summer. On friday, I arrived with a strawberry shortcake and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon wine. The wine was from the supermarket. Surprisingly, it was of excellent quality with a nice deep red color and delicious taste. Was not too sweet or dry, very refreshing! I took my 5-cal juice, a 80-cal yogurt and a 130-cal marshmallow crispy treat. When I bring along my safe foods, I can hang out, have fun and not gain weight. On saturday, I had a big argument with the boyfriend. I need to move out of my mother's house by september. The problem is that my bf is unemployed. It's all up to me to budget the checks that my son and I receive. I manage to save some money, but then end up using part of it before the next month begins. I don't know where I will move to and it's driving me crazy! It's slowly sinking in that I might have to go to a shelter for families! And this is what's tearing me apart! How can I do this to my little boy? It makes my heart ache. And then the anger towards the bf set in. If he really loved us, he would've gotten a job, to help me get out of my mother's apt. We argued on sunday too. I told him why I was so anxious. I said to him" since you have all the answers, tell me where the hell are we supposed to move to in 6 weeks." He just placed his head in his hands and said nothing. I gave him an ultimatum, either get a job or we're done. He said that he can't find a job, 'cause he doesn't know english.(He's from Puerto Rico) I've tried to teach him english, but he doesn't want to learn. Then he blamed the bad economy. There are people who still manage to find jobs, you just have to be persistant. We've been in New York for 11 months and he's done nothing. On monday, he slept til 1:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday, he slept til 12:30 in the afternoon. On tuesday around 8:30 p.m., I asked him if he's been job hunting. He said that he had checked a couple of supermarkets, but no one is hiring. He didn't sound very convincing to me. I told him that if I was gonna do it all by myself, then I might as well be alone! I said that I was done and that he didn't even want to stay in New York. I decided last week to stay in N.Y., 'cause it's more beneficial to my son and he made a face. I don't know if he understood that I was breaking up with him or that he was stunned. He didn't eat monday or tuesday. Frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm tired of worrying about everyone else and yet no one worries about me. I'm thinking him of buying him a bus ticket and sending his ass back to Pennsylvania. I'm gonna be the bitch that I was back in 1990 and look out only for me and my son. Everybody else can kiss my ass! Except all of you. I get such strength from you ladies and Pokerface. On the upside, I keep losing weight. I am now down to 192.5 lbs. This time last year, I was weighing 250 lbs, ugh! All that I ate on tuesday were two tiny cubes of cheddar cheese and nothing else. I now love having hunger pangs, they make me feel in control! I bumped into my friend "P", in facebook and we exchanged msgs, then naughty texts on our cell phones. We might see each other today(wednesday). He said that he will call me. He didn't go to my bestie's house, 'cause he was stuck in Long Island with no money. He has his own company that does affordable home repairs, but has lost a lot of business, due to the bad economy. I have an appt. today for Reproductive Medicine. I want to see if I can have one more baby, before I get too old. Never planned for my son, to be an only child, poor kid. The only thing that can save us, is if my bestie's mom were to rent me a room. I've rented from her before, when I was living with my son's father. Well, all of you wish me luck, so that I can put a roof over my son's head. Keep up the good work. Thank you all for following my blog and for all the comments and words of encouragement!!! Mwah!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Manic Phase

It's 2:12 a.m., still haven't slept, don't know if I will. I could not sleep on Tuesday night. I usually manage a nap of 3 or 4 hrs. during the early morning. On Wednesday morning, I could not sleep, just kept busy. I am Bi-Polar and seem to be going through a manic phase. The good part is, that I'm barely eating. I've lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I'm drinking lots of water, taking a multi-vitamin & doing my exercises. Last Saturday, I got in contact with an ex-bf, through Facebook. I dated him when he was incarcerated during 1991. I broke off our relationship after almost a year. I felt like I needed to be with someone that could be there physically for me. He is a great guy. He went out with some friends, after having spent the night drinking. Well the friends did a home invasion and before he knew it, he got convicted and spent like 16 yrs. in jail. This happened when he was very young. We have been texting each other since Saturday, for like hours. I was honest and said that I was involved with someone and am engaged. But now, I'm confused! All the old feelings have come rushing back to me. He is also involved with someone, but it seems like an "open" relationship. He asked if I would be willing to meet with him. I said that I didn't know about it. Well on Wednesday morning, I texted him and said that I wanted to see him. I don't know why I did it. This is totally out of character for me. I was 10 yrs. with my son's father and never cheated on him. And believe me, with the shit that he put me through, he deserved for me to do him wrong. This friend, who I shall call "P", is a sweetheart and good listener. And he's honest & upfront about who he is. We met and he picked me up in his truck. I was so nervous that I was shaking! Then he asked for a hug. We hugged and the world disappeared. I felt excited and soooo alive! We parked and talked. Somehow we ended up kissing & making out like highschool kids. There was caressing and touching. It felt so good to be wrapped up in his bear-hug. OMG!!! And he is tall, 6'1". At one point, my cell phone rang, and it was my bf. I took the call, he wanted to know where I was & when would I be getting back home. I had said earlier that I was going to the clinic, to drop a paper for my son's Dr. to fill out. I did go to clinic and dropped off paper, but that took all of 15 mins. I was gone for a little over 3 hrs. "P" asked me that where would "this between us be going". I said that I didn't know, as I had never been in a similar situation and if we could just take it one day at a time. At this point in my life, I never imagined going through something like this. We have a mutual friend and I started to tell her about us and she said that it wasn't right. She said that my bf and my son, did not deserve my doing this. I later texted her and told her that she is right and that it was just as well that nothing happened & that I would limit my contact with "P". But I lied. I do plan to keep on seeing him. He is like a drug and now I am hooked. After I got home, he texted me and said that he missed me. So now I have this huge secret that I cannot share with anyone, except all of you here. Every time that I think of him, I grin like The Cheshire Cat. I have to be careful and not let my emotions show on my face. I texted him early during the day and he did not respond, which he always does immediately. Well, he found me while I was on Facebook. He said that he's sorry for not texting me back. His phone got disconnected. But tomorrow we will both be at our mutual friend's house to celebrate her birthday. The only problem is, that I will be with my bf and my son. I hope that everything will go well. I will keep all of you up to date. And thank you all for reading my blog and for all the comments!!! Take care!

Monday, July 13, 2009

199.5 lbs

It is 5:40 a.m., on Monday. I've not gone to bed yet. I have alot on my mind. I had an argument with my mother about 2 fridays ago. Once again, we argued over her lack of cleaning. This time she said that if I didn't like her apt, that I could find some other place to live in. That's fine with me and hopefully, I will be moving out by September. I've decided to remain here in New York. It offers my son more therapies and better medical coverage. I mentioned to him that we might be returning to Pa. and he said, "NO, wanna stay here in Grandma's house". Well, we will be staying in N.Y, but not at grandma's place. Most likely, I will rent a room, until I can find an affordable housing. Went to an interview, to see if my son can get a case manager. This will be someone that will be an advocate for the both of us. I have to wait for 4 wks. to see if we get approved. Don't see any reason why we wouldn't. I've never posted my weight in my blog, but now I will. As of 30 mins. ago, I weigh 199.5 lbs. I know that I am still a fatty, but I've comme a long way. I started at 245.5 lbs., and have lost 46 lbs. My mother came into my room yesterday evening to chat. She looks at me and asks me how much weight have I lost. I told her, 45 lbs. And then she says, but how much do you weigh? I said, exactly 200 lbs. She tells me that I need to stop losing weight, because my face is looking thin. Ha! What good is it if my face is thin, but the rest of me is still fat??? I think that she is just jealous and wants to sabotage my weight loss. If anything, that makes me want to keep losing more. I started the ABC Diet, but got off of it for the weekend. On Friday, I went to hang out at my best friend's apt, but I took my homemade juice and water bottle and a safe snack. Last time that I went to her place, I gained 3 lbs. in one evening. This time, there was no weight gain. Yay, for me. Today, I will be back on the ABC Diet. Gotta, go, time to get my son ready for school. Will be back on later, to post juicy details about a guy that I once knew and have reconnected with on Facebook!