Friday, May 22, 2009
It's 6:53, here in New York. I start my posts by stating the time, because for some reason the time stamp is wrong. I'm not too technical (LOL), and clearly cannot have anyone set it correctly. I can never let anyone know about "Ana" and you girls. Of the 3 lbs. that I had gained last week, I have lost 2 already. I feel like a cow. I think I am a cow! I am so embarassed of my weight, that I have never written down the number here. It's a terrible number, no, really it is. It's not the highest that I've been, but you girls would be mortified if I were to reveal it. Just know that I get courage from all of you to continue my battle against this nasty weight. I eat very little & still barely lose. This is agony. Iam so disgusted about my home situation! I used to live in Pennsylvania for 10 yrs. and decided to move back to New York. I've been staying with my mother since Aug. of 2008. She has been slacking off in the cleaning of her apartment. She is a pack-rat & God forbid if you throw any of her junk away. I am so grossed out by it all. I live in a small room with my fiance and my son (not my fiance's child). It's a tight fit, but my room is cleaner than her whole apartment. There is dust and bags filled with clothes & junk everywhere. Every day when my mother fixes her breakfast, she leaves bread crumbs from her toast under the kitchen table. She is hooked to playing silly computer games & doesn't care about cleaning her apartment. I feel like if I live inside a thrift shop, a dirty one. To make room for us, she had to empty out a bedroom. She had junk in that room piled like 4 feet high. Instead of throwing out the junk, she just moved it to her room. Now her room is filled with bags & boxes since last summer. She has done nothing to clean up her room & you can barely walk in it. I am dying to move, but to rent an apartment here is expensive. I give her money every month when I get my SSI check. I also buy food & anything else that is needed in the house. I have not been able to save any money in the 9 mos. that I've been here. My fiance has not been able to find a job. He barely speaks English & didn't even finish High School. I feel like if I'm gonna be stuck here forever! I feel my depression growing with every passing day. I should be on medication because I'm bi-polar and have problems with anxiety, but I'm not. I stopped taking my meds over 2 yrs. ago. I also have a sleeping disorder that gets worse when I am deeply depressed. I'm thinking of going to see a Dr. and asking for meds before I do something foolish. I must make a plan to save money & move out. I cannot tolerate this situation any longer. I apologize about all my complaining, but I needed to get it out before I explode. God help me!!!