Thursday, September 10, 2009
It's 12:57 a.m., here in New York and officially Sept. 11. I havent posted in over a month and for this I apologize!!! So much has happened. My weight has gone up and down, but currently am at 178 lbs. Still want to lose more, but family & friends are saying that I look great and it would be crazy to lose anymore weight. I don't agree and will lose more. I did a 4-day fast. It was not intentional, it was due to bad nerves. The "Special Friend", who became my lover turned out to be a very confusing person! He would text me and make plans to meet with me, then he wouldn't show up. I asked him if I was a one-time deal and he insisted that I was not. I was supposed to meet him a few weeks ago and he didn't show up. I got mad and called him & sent him to hell. I had broken up with my fiance, to be with him, but he wasn't there for me. I got back together with the bf on Aug 21. Things haven't been the same as before but they're okay. We even went to one of my sister's wedding. The problem with the bf is that he hasn't gotten a job in the 13 mos., that we've been in N.Y. He is currently looking for employment,'cause I put my foot down and demanded that he do so. We moved out of my mom's apt., on Sept. 3rd, but we moved into a rented room in the bsmt. of my friend's mother's house. The three other renters are single men and they are filthy pigs who have the bathroom looking like a gas station public restroom. I couldn't even find the strength to bathe my son at first in the disgusting shower stall. We were there 5 days before I bathed my son and told him to not touch anything! It was soooo gross!!! I had an argument with one of the guys 'cause he left the toilet seat up. I asked him nicely to please put it down when he uses the toilet. I let him know that now there was a woman and child living there. He was a total ass!!! On Sunday I was drinking at our room with the bf and things got a bit violent. The lady that rented to us said that he had to get a job or we would need to move out on Oct 1st. When she decided to rent to me, it was supposed to be for just me and my son, 'cause I was gonna send the bf back to Pa. I have been pressuring the bf to go out and look for a job every single day. And so far he hasn't found anything. I guess he got stressed out and was saying that he was gonna slit his wrists and then took his swiss army knife and attempted to do it. I freaked out and smacked him across the face and told him to be a man and not a sucker. I said that he would accomplish nothing by hurting himself! My mother called me on the 9th to ask me why was I saying that she told me that I had to be out of her house by September. And I told her "Because that's what you said & now I'm stuck in this place with my child living in less than sanitary conditions!" And she totally denied having said it. I said "Yes, you did, otherwise I wouldn't have left and gone to live in a rented room" Well she said that I was being disrespectful to her lately and treating her like shit. And I told her that how was I supposed to feel when she said that she wanted us out by Sept. I said that it made me feel like we were being a burden to her. I was not mooching off of her 'cause I was giving her money, buying whatever we would run out of and buying food and cooking for everyone on the weekends. She said that if I wanted that we could go back to her house, but that I had to be respectful and not do any drinking. She doesn't want me to drink, 'cause I used to be an alcoholic. But in July I had a Manic phase like I had never experienced and was self-medicating with weed & beer. I agreed to her terms for the sake of my son. I will now find a Psychiatrist and ask for meds to treat my BiPolar. The "Special Friend" finally texted me 2 nights ago, asking if I missed him. I said that he now seemed like a distant memory and asked if he missed me. He said "hell yes". I said "you're so full of shit, go play your head games with someone else" I told him that he was a very confusing person. The last thing I texted to him was "Bye, I have no time for your bullshit" That was at 3 a.m. Then last evening at 6:54 p.m., he texted me, asking if I knew where he could find an apt. or room. I asked him why he needed a place if he had his "roommate". He said that she was stalking him and driving him nuts and that he needed a place of his own. He said "too bad we not living together, so I could sample your food" I texted back "I offered everything to you on a silver platter and you missed your chance" He said in a voice mail that he would explain everything later and texted back if he could call me in 2 hrs. I said that he could call me. I waited and he did not call, but at 9:56 p.m., he texted and asked if we could meet up tomorow and chat. I did not hear that text when it came in, only read it like 2 hrs later. Then he sent a text at 10:04 p.m. saying "talk tomorrow, don't reply. ok. God Bless" He has some nerve! Don't really know what to do. Would love to be with him, but don't think it would be worth it to jeopardize my relationship with the bf. And who's to say that he would even show up if I agree to see him. My friend says to not take his calls and not answer his texts, to make him wait and suffer like he did to me. Frankly, when I texted him back 2 nights ago and said " bye, don't have time for your bullshit", I thought that I would not hear from him again. Well we'll see what happens. One thing for sure, I cannot stop thinking about him and the one time we were together. I hope that everyone has had great progress in their goals. Take care!