40 lbs.

It's 3:36 a.m., here in New York. Today I weighed myself and I have now lost 40 lbs. Don't dare to write down my weight yet. If I lose 6 lbs., by 07/01, then I will post my weight. I'm ashamed, 'cause it's a high number, compared to all the thin girls here. I finally finished my period. I lost 2 lbs., since thursday. But I gained 1 lb., during my period. I did not lose control during those days and I'm proud of that. But on thursday, I binged on cookies and then purged. Was mad, 'cause I had been a week without purging. I'm gonna make my Pineapple, Carrot & Apple Juice in the juicer and sip on that saturday & sunday, and not eat any solid food. I want the numbers on the scale to keep going down. I need to lose another 55 lbs., at least. Today (friday), I made potato salad and steamed, chicken breast cutlets. I tasted a small spoonful of the potato salad and tiny piece of the meat. And let me tell you, it was yummy. Thought of binging & purging, but I did not do it. I made a delicious salad with tofu for my dinner. I want to lose weight,but not starve. I marinated 5 tofu slices in low-sodium teriyaki sauce for 30 mins. I sprayed bottom of frying pan with non-stick spray and sauteed the tofu. Then I placed a bed of fresh, spinach leaves in a large bowl, added salad dressing spray (5 cals. per spray), cut 6 baby carrots into thin strips, cut 10 grape tomatoes in halves, sprinkled Nu Salt (salt substitute) on it all, then added the tofu in bite-size pieces. This was my 1st time trying tofu. I liked it, it was a flavorful and filling dinner. Best of all, I don't think it was even 200 cals. The only thing that I had eaten in the day was a 80-cal nonfat yogurt. I had a few PB& Choc. cups & a few caramel cream candies like 2 hrs. after dinner for dessert. My total amount of calories for the day was, 520 cals. I think that's a decent number, considering how out of control my eating was before the month of March. I got mad at my mother, 'cause I was saying, how important nutrition is for good health. She had the nerve to tell me " It won't last, you'll go back to eating like you were before, and gain the weight back, like you did after you got pregnant". God forgive me, but when she said that to me, I cursed her out in my mind and genuinely hated her at the moment. Why does she feel the need to put me down instead of encouraging me? I'm trying so hard and as usual, she offers no support. I need to get the hell away from her and soon. I hate the way that she makes me feel about myself. She makes me feel like a big, fat useless Blob!!! She is no skinny minnie either. She's like 5'2" and weighs around 185 lbs. She's never given me any credit when I do something right. She is always criticizing and finding fault in everything that I do. She is the reason why I went to the park in 1990 and swallowed 2 bottles of sleeping pills (64 pills). I really wanted to end my life. When the paramedics picked me up from under the park bench, I was seizing. When I woke up in the hospital that evening, I was mad to be alive!!! She even tried to say that the reason my son is autistic, is because I barely ate during the first 3 mos. of my pregnancy. My periods were very irregular and I didn't even know that I was pregnant. Nobody even knows the cause of Autism, but as usual, she had to blame me for it. Why can't she see the Real Me??? Why can't she be a loving & supportive mother??? I can't wait for september, when I get my own place here in New York or back in Pennsylvania. The way things are going, I think that I will be returning back to Pennsylvania. The more distance between my mother and I, the better for my sanity & self esteem. I'll just try to visit more often, so that my son can see the family. But the next time I come for a visit from Pennsylvania, I will not be staying at my mother's apt. I will see if I can stay at my cousin's place. We're very close and she has an apt. right on my mother's street. I can bring an inflatable mattress, for my son & I to sleep on. My cousin has a 1-bedroom apt. and her 24-yr. old daughter sleeps in it. My cousin sleeps on a futon in the living room. I can sleep with my son in the living room for a few days. I curse the moment that I decided to give up my apt. in Pa. and move in with my mother. I just need to save enough money and get someone in Pa., to help me look for an apt. I'll just keep looking to the near future, in order to keep sane. well enough of my ranting. I hope everyone is doing better than me & has a good weekend. At least my mother will be in Connecticut from early morning saturday until at least the evening. Hopefully, I will have a peaceful day. Take care & think thin!!!