Dental Disaster

I've not gone to sleep yet, so for me it is still Wednesday. It is 1:49 a.m., here in New York. I had a dental appointment. It was not too good. I have Peridontal Disease, which has caused my teeth to become loose. I'm sure that purging has not helped my teeth. Well the Dental hygenist had to do some probing of all teeth. This is done to know how deep the pockets are that surround each tooth. That process in itself was painful! Then she scraped the plaque off from my teeth. There was alot due to the fact that I hadn't had a proper cleaning in years. I have a clotting problem with my blood & dentists refused to touch me. I guess that they were scared that I would bleed to death while in their chair. Then the dental hygenist did the actual cleaning. Afterwards, she gave me a mirror so that I could look at my teeth. There was a huge difference. The bad thing is that my teeth hurt and my gums felt raw. Ouch!!! I have an appt. next month for teeth extraction. I also have to go in again oin July, for a deep scaling cleaning. That is a procedure where your gums are anesthesized and they go deep in your gums to deep clean the roots of your teeth. Yikes!!! I went home & tried to drink a cup of black coffee. My gums hurt too much, so I had to drink it with a straw. Went to buy some things (water pik, toothbrush, snacks for son), then came home. I decided not to eat solids due to pain in teeth & gums. Drank a yummy Slim-Fast shake (strawberries & cream-220 cals.) Did my exercise workout (about 45 mins.) Drank a juice box of cold green tea w/ginseng & honey (60 cals.) Dinner was a cream of broccoli soup (150 cals.) and a tall glass of Sprite Zero soda ( 0 cals.) I had an early breakfast of 3/4 cup of Special K cereal-Fruit & Yogurt (110 cals.) with 1 cup of Light Vanilla Soy milk (80 cals.) Total Cals. for the day= 652 cals. Not bad if I do say so myself. And 30 mins. before dinner, I drank a cup of laxative tea with 1 packet of 0 cal. sugar substitute. It did it's job 3 hrs. later. I hope that the scale will be kind to me tomorrow. I will be grateful if I at least lose 1 lb.

Tuesday Morning

It's 6:47 a.m. here in New York. Sunday was okay. Got up at 10 a.m. and got my son bathed & dressed. I bathed & dressed and we went to Sunday school. I had a can of Pineapple slices in their own juice for brunch. Church service started at 1:30 p.m. The service finished at about 4:30 p.m. Afterwards, they were selling food to raise funds for the Christian Children's Parade. Our church's children will have their own float at the parade. I bought food for my mom, fiance, son & myself. It was yummy, but fattening. The food consisted of a fried cornmeal cake topped with ground beef, a slice of boiled egg, shredded cheddar & mozarella cheese and sour cream. As soon as I got home, I purged. I didn't plan to do it, but my stomach can't handle certain things like before. I didn't cook, 'cause there was plenty of leftovers in the fridge. Got up on Monday, and weighed myself. I was happy to see that I had lost another 2 lbs. So far, I've lost a total of 26 lbs. I've been doing some serious restricting & kept the purging to a minimum. With the warm weather, it's been easier to get some form of exercise done. Yesterday, I had no breakfast & no lunch. Had a cup of black coffee w/sugar substitute when I awoke. My fiance & I took my son to the park. He loves to ride his bike! I was walking alongside my son while he rode and a little girl on her bike slammed into my legs. I mean she hit me full force, almost knocked me to my knees. I was upset, but did not scream at the kid. She looked to be about 5 or 6 yrs. old. When I walked back to our bench, I realized that the little girl was with her parents sitting on the other end of the same bench. I recognized her & the bike. I asked the lady if that was her daughter and she said yes. Then I proceeded to tell her nicely that she should watch her daughter 'cause she crashed her bike into me. I showed her my bruised legs. The mother said nothing, did not even apologize. Another lady next to me was saying how parents don't watch their kids. And the next thing I knew, the little girl & her parents had left. Nowadays, you can't go to a park & just let your kids loose. It is not safe. Went home & had a bit of an argument with my mom. She had called my sister on Sunday night. She needed her to pay a bill for her through the internet. My sister did not answer the phone. (my sister had fallen asleep on her couch) So, yesterday I called my sister to let her know that my mom needed that favor. She called my mom & said to her, "oh, you can call me when you need a favor, but not to apologize." My mom told her "if you're gonna start on me again, then we might as well not even talk". So, they both hung up their phones. My mom was telling me this when I came from the park. And she says to me, "can you believe that she wants an apology, after the way that she offended me?" I said, " but ma, you were the one who started screaming first. All she said to you was that this house is dirty & it's true". My mother got mad at me for siding with my sister and left all upset to run an errand. She bumped into my fiance downstairs & complained to him about the situation. He told her that the situation was between the 3 of us & that he was not getting involved. I started to make dinner, ate a low-fat cereal & fruit bar(140 cals.). I cooked baked brown rice, pink beans in sauce and steamed chicken legs. Helped my son with his homework. Then at about 11:35 p.m., I started to put the leftover food away & my mom decides to heat some coffee up on the stove. I just blew up at her 'cause she's been doing this to me lately. She is sooo annoying! I told her" why do you decide to do this, when I am trying to clean up in the kitchen? You couldn't do it before I came or after I've finished." I said" Look heat up your coffee & let me know when you're done" And she said "No, you finish up first & I'll heat up the coffee later" I told her " I know that this is your kitchen, but you've been doing this to me lately & it's getting on my nerves". OMG!!! I feel so emotionally tired from all the arguing that has been going on. I'm gonna try my best to save money because I cannot deal with the whole situation anymore. I have to get out of her apartment before she makes me lose my mind or gives me an ulcer from all the stress!!! I love my mother but it's impossible to live with her. I went to my room and got on my computer. Checked my e-mails that have been piling up. Ever since I have been posting here & reading the blogs, I've not read my e-mails. LOL. I want to thank all of you who read my blog & leave comments. Jena, I've made goals for my ideal weight & been able to reach that weight & mantain it. I don't intend to weigh as low as some of you. I am big-boned & at 150 lbs. everyone said that I was too slim. But that is my goal weight. I also want to thank Mellon and Bryana for their comments & advice. I know that I can do this. It was just a matter of getting into the correct mind-set. I want to get slim, but not sick. Today, I will buy some vitamins & go shopping for fruits & vegetables. Good luck to you all!!!

Almost Sunday

Well, friday was hideous. My sister who is 1 yr. younger than me, was getting on my mother's case about her lack of cleaning. So, I told my sister," Look forget about it, you're not gonna get anywhere with her." And my mother blew up at me and said "Mind your own business!" And I told her "Look, I wasn't even talking to you, I was just trying to stop the argument" She got furious and came at me with the T.V. remote control, like if she was gonna hit me with it or throw it at me. It was unreal. So I told her "that's not christian behavior, what's wrong with you?" She is a church lady & thinks she is so holy-holy. She just got mad 'cause me & my sister were telling her the truth in her face and she couldn't handle it. When my sister left, I went to my room and worked off my angry energy by exercising. It felt so good! My mother started to talk to me later in the evening, like the argument never happened. She always does that & never apologizes for anything. Today was a good day. I woke up, gave my son breakfast, made coffee. I was sewing a Jean skirt cause it now fits me too big. My aunt & cousin came over. I gave them coffee & chatted with them while my mother ran a quick errand. Even they noticed my mother's erratic behavior. I'm glad to see that it's not all my imagination. The sad part is that she refuses to acknowledge that she even has a problem. My fiance went fishing with my dad & brother-in-law. He was gone since 5:20 a.m. My son & I were on our own. I took his bike downstairs and walked to a nearby park so he could ride. I walked briskly & even ran for about 30 mins. I got a good workout. Met up with my mother 'cause she remembered that she had offered to buy me a cell phone as a belated birthday gift. We went to a store where she had shopped before. I got a cute phone for $50. It's not a flip phone, which is what I was avoiding. It even has a radio & flashlight. I'm listening to the phone's radio with the head set on, 'cause right now it's 4:39 a.m. Well today, I barely ate. Just had a bit of dinner; 1/2 cup of mixed veggies & a small steamed chicken cutlet. I already lost the 3 lbs. that I had gained last week. I even managed to lose an extra pound. So far, I've lost 24 lbs. I'm still fat, but I'm on the right track. I'm still too embarassed to tell you ladies how much I weigh. Maybe when I've lost another 20 lbs., I will have the courage to reveal my weight. Hopefully, that will happen in the next few weeks! Good luck to everyone in reaching their goals!

It's 6:53, here in New York. I start my posts by stating the time, because for some reason the time stamp is wrong. I'm not too technical (LOL), and clearly cannot have anyone set it correctly. I can never let anyone know about "Ana" and you girls. Of the 3 lbs. that I had gained last week, I have lost 2 already. I feel like a cow. I think I am a cow! I am so embarassed of my weight, that I have never written down the number here. It's a terrible number, no, really it is. It's not the highest that I've been, but you girls would be mortified if I were to reveal it. Just know that I get courage from all of you to continue my battle against this nasty weight. I eat very little & still barely lose. This is agony. Iam so disgusted about my home situation! I used to live in Pennsylvania for 10 yrs. and decided to move back to New York. I've been staying with my mother since Aug. of 2008. She has been slacking off in the cleaning of her apartment. She is a pack-rat & God forbid if you throw any of her junk away. I am so grossed out by it all. I live in a small room with my fiance and my son (not my fiance's child). It's a tight fit, but my room is cleaner than her whole apartment. There is dust and bags filled with clothes & junk everywhere. Every day when my mother fixes her breakfast, she leaves bread crumbs from her toast under the kitchen table. She is hooked to playing silly computer games & doesn't care about cleaning her apartment. I feel like if I live inside a thrift shop, a dirty one. To make room for us, she had to empty out a bedroom. She had junk in that room piled like 4 feet high. Instead of throwing out the junk, she just moved it to her room. Now her room is filled with bags & boxes since last summer. She has done nothing to clean up her room & you can barely walk in it. I am dying to move, but to rent an apartment here is expensive. I give her money every month when I get my SSI check. I also buy food & anything else that is needed in the house. I have not been able to save any money in the 9 mos. that I've been here. My fiance has not been able to find a job. He barely speaks English & didn't even finish High School. I feel like if I'm gonna be stuck here forever! I feel my depression growing with every passing day. I should be on medication because I'm bi-polar and have problems with anxiety, but I'm not. I stopped taking my meds over 2 yrs. ago. I also have a sleeping disorder that gets worse when I am deeply depressed. I'm thinking of going to see a Dr. and asking for meds before I do something foolish. I must make a plan to save money & move out. I cannot tolerate this situation any longer. I apologize about all my complaining, but I needed to get it out before I explode. God help me!!!

It's 6:43 a.m. here in New York. Yesterday, I did really well in restricting. I had a cup of black coffee, did exercises for 45 mins., ate 2 cups of watermelon, a cup of green tea, & for dinner ate 1 cup of mixed veggies with a steamed chicken breast. Before going to bed, I did another 45 mins. of exercises. Weighed myself this morning and actually lost a pound. Phew! What a relief. And no purging. I wish that I could have this much control every day. It is not easy. Right now I wanna eat some sugary cereal with soy milk sooo badly. But instead, I chugged some cold water from the bottle that I always have on my dresser. I try to fill up with water to kill the hunger pangs. Damn, it feels like I'm always hungry. But I will not give in! I will be strong and not succumb to the food!!! My mother offered to buy me a cell phone, since she never got around to giving me anything for my birthday. On Monday, she asked me if I wanted to pick it out then or wait for Wednesday. Well I didn't feel like going anywhere at the time, so I said, let's leave it for Wednesday. Yesterday, after my sister picked up her son & left, I was waiting for my mother to tell me, "let's go get your phone." But she said nothing about it & I stayed quiet. I am not going to beg her for a phone. So if she says nothing about it, I will wait til next Tuesday. I get money that day & will just buy the cell phone myself. I had said during the weekend, that I wanted to buy the Jack Lalane Deluxe Juicer. And last night, she ordered it for me from the QVC channel, 'cause she has a credit card. But I will be making the monthly payments on the juicer. I can't wait to get it. It should be here within a few days. Now I can do juice fasts & they'll never realize how little I will be eating. Let's hope that my plan works & maybe I will be able to lose the pounds even faster. Anyone have any tips or exercises for my tummy to go down? It's the part of my body that I really HATE right now!!!

It is 6:47 a.m., here in New York. This will have to be a quick post, as my fiance went downstairs. He took my son to wait for the school bus. I have to be really careful to not let anyone find out about my secret life that I share with you ladies! I have been B & P, and now I am paying for it. :+( I have gained 3 disgusting pounds. I am so sorry to you all. I have disappointed all of you. I hang my head down in shame. I have finished my period,but that is what caused me to relapse. I was doing so good, too. Today, I will eat nothing but 12 oz. of prunes, a bowl of steamed, mixed veggies and lots of water. Wish me luck. I see that I have 3 more followers. Yay!!! Please help me, so that I can be a winner by losing the pounds. We can do this!!!

Monotonous Monday

It's 4:30 a.m., here in New York & I still have not gone to bed. I have to be up at 8 a.m. to get ready to take my son for a psych. evaluation. He is 8 yrs. old & autistic. He is a sweetheart, but has problems with impulse control. I love him to death, but there are days when he makes me want to scream my head off. Saturday, we went over to my sister's apt., for her 4 yr. old son's birthday party. It was just for the family. My parents are separated, but they both were present. My middle sister came from N.J. and my youngest sister was also there. I didn't eat anything before I got there, because I knew that I had to eat in order to not arouse suspicion. All I had at home, was a cup of black coffee. When they all had potato chips, I ate some baked vegetable sticks that my sister had bought. They came in 3 flavors, potato, spinach and tomato. They were very low in calories. I only had a handful & only ate the spinach ones. Then it was time for dinner. I ate 1/2 cup of pasta with parma & tomato sauce, 1/2 croissant, 1 roasted chicken leg and a 2-in. square piece of lasagna. I felt like I was gonna burst! I wanted to purge so badly but didn't dare for fear of being heard. Then to top it off, I had a big piece of cake with ice cream. What a pig! One of my nephew's gift was a bicycle & he was excited. Then they gave my son a bike too. I was not expecting it 'cause his birthday had been in January. It seeems that everyone pitched in to get it for my son.:+) Friday the 15th was my birthday and I am now 39 yrs. old. When they sang Happy Birthday to my nephew, they included me. I even got a few gifts. Not bad, but I wish I hadn't eaten all that food. Got home a little before 8 p.m. and ate 12 oz. of prunes with lots of water. It helps to clean out my system. I just noticed that I have a follower. I'm very excited! Thanks Jena. I also read your blog.Let's all encourage each other & we can reach our goals. My goal is to get to 145 lbs.

It's 1:34 a.m. here in N.Y.C. It was my birthday & what a disappointment it was. I live at my mother's with my youngest sister (30 yrs. old), my fiance & my 8 yr. old son. I do the cooking during the weekend. So I had told my mother that I did not want to cook on my birthday. I told her like 2 wks. ago. Well today, I had stepped out for a few hrs., to run an errand. When I came home there were dirty dishes in the sink and no dinner being prepared. It should have been no surprise to me. That's why I had bought chicken thighs to cook and a can of pink beans. I made yellow rice w/beans and steamed chicken. My mother didn't even wish me a happy birthday. And I am her firstborn, dammit! The only one who gave me a gift was my sister who is 1 yr. younger than me. My dad came by & gave me $20. My mother is so damn inconsiderate. Meanwhile for her birthday, christmas & mother's day, I always give her a gift, pick out a nice card & sometimes buy her flowers. Today, I felt like shit, thanks mom!!! I'm so freaking cursed that I even got my damn period on my birthday. This is exactly why I have tried to kill myself twice in the past. My mother knows exactly how to make anyone feel absolutely worthless!!! And the sad part is that she is totally unaware of it all, I think. Today I had a cup of black coffee w/1 tsp. of sugar, a bowl of pineapple, 2 handfuls of dry roasted peanuts in shell, a bowl of steamed mixed vegetables and lots of water all day long. The only good thing of today is that I lost 1 pound! Happy Freaking Birthday to me!!!!!

It is now 3:11 a.m. in New York City. I should be asleep, 'cause I have to be up at 6 a.m., to get my son off to school. I am very proud of myself, today I did no B & P. When I woke up, I had a cup of black coffee with one tsp. of sugar and read the newspaper. Then, I did about 45 mins. of exercise in my room. I ate 12 oz. of prunes and drank water all day. At 7 p.m., my fiance & my son were stuffing their faces with pringles potato chips. My fiance invited me to munch with them and I firmly said "No". At dinner, I ate 1 1/2 cup of steamed mixed vegetables with salt substitute & 1/2 tsp of diet butter. Fought very hard to not give in to temptation of eating chocolate & I won!!! I would guess that I consumed less than 500 cals. I feel good, hope that I can keep it up.

Mother's Day was kinda stressful for me. Why do special occasions have to revolve around food? I had to make nice and eat so that family won't notice how little, I really eat lately. Afterwards, I feel so guilty, like I want to crawl out of my skin. Went to supermarket and bought a 12 oz. bag of prunes to get food out of system. Ate it, while I drank lots of cold water. Tomorrrow, I plan to eat nothing during the day and just eat steamed veggies at dinner. I will do at least 1 hr. of exercise. I've already lost 22 lbs. in the last 6 weeks.