Time To Move On???

It's 5:37, and I've not slept a wink. Yesterday afternoon, I had yet another argument with my mother. She cooked on thursday. Yesterday, I took a pack of chicken thighs out of the freezer to defrost. At 4 p.m., I was about to get dinner started. She asked me what was I planning to cook, and I said that I wasn't sure. So she suggested pork chops. I told her that I had already defrosted the chicken thighs.She said "we'll be flying soon, from eating so much chicken. My sister had done boiled boneless chicken breasts on Monday with some milk sauce. I was gonna let the comment slide, but just couldn't stop myself. So I asked her why does she always have to criticize everything. And she says "all I did was make a comment" And I told her that I was sick of it 'cause all that comes out of her mouth is criticism and negativity. She always has something to say, without thinking about how it will affect a person. My mother is really toxic. So basically I told her that I was making Baked Brown Rice and steamed chicken thighs and to let me cook in peace. I said " you can eat it or not, it really doesn't matter to me one way or the other! She had the nerve to say that I need a Psychiatrist. And I told her that if I need one, then she needs a better one. She always try to make it seem like I'm paranoid and twisted in my way of reasoning & thinking. But, I've talked things over with my fiance & closest friends and they all seem to agree with me. About 30 mins. later she left the apt. I could care less. She returned during the early evening. We haven't talked since then. I have made a decision. At the end of the summer, I will move back to Pennsylvania. I have to do it because I need to move out, but the rent here in New York is too damn high. I refuse to pay $800/mo. to live in a rented room with my son & fiance. For much less than that, I can rent a decent 2-bedroom apt. in Pa. My fiance already spoke with his best friend in Pa., to help us look for an apt. Now, I have to save as much money as I can. It's a perfect excuse to spend less $$$ on food. LOL I told my 8-yr. old that we would be moving back to Pa., and he does not like the idea. He wants to stay here in N.Y., 'cause all of our family is here. It's so sad. He just doesn't realize all the stress that Grandma is causing his Mommy.

My Mother Is Driving Me Mad !!!!

It's 3:53 a.m. and I am still so freaking mad about what happened yesterday evening! Where shall I start? Okay, I moved in with my mom & youngest sister (30 yrs), last summer. Along with my fiance & my 8 yr old son. So my mother baby-sits my now 4 yr old nephew. She told me that she would cook Mon-Thurs, and I would cook during the weekends. Fine with me. Except that when my sister would not bring her son over, my mother would not cook even if it was her assigned day. So I would buy food and cook & wash dishes and clean the kitchen at end of night. This past wednesday she tells me that my sister would bring her son over the next day, but she & her husband would be leaving right away & not eat at my mother's apt. This is my mother's way of telling me that she would NOT be cooking on thursday and that my turn for cooking would begin 1 day earlier. My sister left for vacation on friday and will not be bringing her son over to my mother's place til June 16. I told my fiance, "my mother better not think that I'm gonna spend my money buying food & cooking for everyone for 12 straight days!" So, I cooked on thursday, friday, saturday & sunday. I get no help from absolutely anyone. On sunday, when my mother came from church at around 5 p.m., she was accompanied by my cousin. He's gotten into the habit of dropping by a couple of times during the week & eating at my mother's too. He's about 43 yrs old and lives with his mother, due to the fact that he had a drug problem. But now he's found religion, but no job, so he's mooching of whomever he can. So when they were eating, I told my mother, "oh I'm not cooking tomorrow, you & my sister can cook for the next couple of days". Well of course, she had a problem with that and asks why can't my fiance cook too. He cooked one time,but she's very controlling & doesn't let others cook in peace. She likes to hover over people and tell them how to do things. So now, he refuses to cook ever again. Can't say that I blame him. So I asked her what's the problem with her & my sister cooking. And she mumbled some lame excuse & basically said that she doesn't have to cook. My sister just graduated university last week & hasn't worked since December. My cousin had to butt in & say why can't I just cook for me & my fiance & son. I told him about the deal that my mother had made with me about our assigned days for cooking. I told him it's not fair that everyone can eat when I buy, cook the food & do clean-up, but they can't do the same in return. I give money just like my sister, so why can't she cook for everyone like I do. I help pay the electric bill, too. When it's my turn to cook, if there is no oil or rice or seasonings, I buy them. So my cousin just shook his head & told me to calm down. He knows that it's not fair, but won't go against my mother, 'cause she just bought him a tiny laptop about 2 wks. ago. So now he has to kiss her ass. Basically, my mother said that she's NOT cooking, she'll eat whatever is in the fridge or cupboards. But when my sister returns from vacation, she'll cook for them 'cause my sister brings her rice, beans, meat and food from when she goes grocery shopping for her own household. She's always treated this sister of mine better than the rest of us! Yet she denies it. I thought that this bullshit would be over and done with. I feel so disappointed and truly heartsick!!! I feel like I will never be good enough for my mother. I hate the way she makes me feel. I regret a million times ever deciding to move into her home. I'm gonna talk with my best friend's mom. Her mom has a house close by and rents out rooms. I feel so trapped. Why are some mothers such Bitches with their own offspring??? For a long time, I even doubted my own mother's love for me. She is the reason that I tried to kill myself back in November of 2000. I will never be able to understand her. I have to leave her house soon before I start hating her or do/say something that I will really regret!!! So, for now, I'm not doing any cooking, just simple preparation of food for fiance & my son. On the other hand, this will do wonders for my diet. Yesterday and today I just had coffee, tea, fruit and a plate of veggies for dinner. I've lost a total of 31 lbs., since March. I am still ashamed to post my weight, but I promise that I will write it in my blog very soon. Hopefully, that will be in less than 2 weeks. Be strong & think thin. Oh, I just discovered that there is someone else with a blog that has the same name as mine. The only difference that I could see is that she leaves a space between the words Hungry and Hippo.( Hungry-Hippo) I write mine, (HungryHippo) I hope that no one is confused by this. I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog. Any of you know how I would go about doing that?

The weekend

It's 4 a.m., here in New York City. I should be sleeping, 'cause I have a Dr's appt & have to get my son ready for school. My baby was sick on thursday night. He vomited and had a low grade fever. I did not send him to school on friday. He was better and asked for soup w/crackers, for lunch. I gave it to him, along with some grape Pedialyte. It was my turn to cook dinner, so I made macaroni with shredded chicken. I season then steam the chicken legs. After they have cooked, I use 2 forks & shred the meat. I pour spagetti sauce into a pan, and add some italian seasonings, then add the shredded chicken. I let it simmer for a few mins., then add it to the cooked macaroni. I tasted it after it was all prepared and it tasted yummy to me. Well., I then went to my room, for about 40 mins. When I went to the living room, my sister had arrived, took her son and she & her husband left. So I asked my mom about my sister and she says, "oh she & her husband left without eating. They felt that the food had too much black pepper" This is Total B.S.!!! I used a seasoning that did NOT have black pepper. I also used another seasoning which my sister had bought over to my mom's, 'cause she said that she liked it and it did not make the food too spicy or salty. My sister is starting to piss me off, 'cause it seems like she always finds something wrong with my cooking. Grrr! And actually, my fiance & my son love my cooking. Other people have said that I'm a good cook. I asked my other sister for her opinion & she said that it was just fine. On saturday, I was supposed to go to a baby shower at church. Well my mother & I were gonna go buy the gifts during the morning. I woke up with a very sore throat, but decided to go shopping anyway, to avoid my mother from nagging at me. We went outside and had trouble figuring out the new procedure for paying these express buse around our area. You need to get some card first and swipe it on this machine at the bus stop, before you board the bus. Mind you, I've been living out of state for the past 10 yrs., so I accidently got the wrong cards. Anyway, to make a long story short, she pissed me off. I told her, "I'm not going to deal with this crap no more, you can go by yourself". And I walked away & went home. I am soo tired of dealing with this crazy lady. It seems like she has the beginnings of Alzheimers, but she is in deep denial. I told her that she needs to see her doctor about her forgetfulness & confusion. She says there is nothing wrong with her. I'm sorry but I beg to differ. She came back at about 1:30 p.m. & left to the baby shower at almost 3 p.m. My son had fever again, so I gave him medicine. I cooked dinner, yellow rice with chicken thighs and pink beans in sauce. I cook dinner & don't even eat it. I usually steam some vegetables for me. I was not happy on saturday, 'cause I had gained 2 pounds. I don't even know how the heck that happened! On sunday, I didn't do much. Was kinda happy 'cause I had dropped the 2 pounds & lost 2 more. I cooked baked brown rice & corned beef with yellow plantains in it.Gotta get some rest now!

Dental Disaster

I've not gone to sleep yet, so for me it is still Wednesday. It is 1:49 a.m., here in New York. I had a dental appointment. It was not too good. I have Peridontal Disease, which has caused my teeth to become loose. I'm sure that purging has not helped my teeth. Well the Dental hygenist had to do some probing of all teeth. This is done to know how deep the pockets are that surround each tooth. That process in itself was painful! Then she scraped the plaque off from my teeth. There was alot due to the fact that I hadn't had a proper cleaning in years. I have a clotting problem with my blood & dentists refused to touch me. I guess that they were scared that I would bleed to death while in their chair. Then the dental hygenist did the actual cleaning. Afterwards, she gave me a mirror so that I could look at my teeth. There was a huge difference. The bad thing is that my teeth hurt and my gums felt raw. Ouch!!! I have an appt. next month for teeth extraction. I also have to go in again oin July, for a deep scaling cleaning. That is a procedure where your gums are anesthesized and they go deep in your gums to deep clean the roots of your teeth. Yikes!!! I went home & tried to drink a cup of black coffee. My gums hurt too much, so I had to drink it with a straw. Went to buy some things (water pik, toothbrush, snacks for son), then came home. I decided not to eat solids due to pain in teeth & gums. Drank a yummy Slim-Fast shake (strawberries & cream-220 cals.) Did my exercise workout (about 45 mins.) Drank a juice box of cold green tea w/ginseng & honey (60 cals.) Dinner was a cream of broccoli soup (150 cals.) and a tall glass of Sprite Zero soda ( 0 cals.) I had an early breakfast of 3/4 cup of Special K cereal-Fruit & Yogurt (110 cals.) with 1 cup of Light Vanilla Soy milk (80 cals.) Total Cals. for the day= 652 cals. Not bad if I do say so myself. And 30 mins. before dinner, I drank a cup of laxative tea with 1 packet of 0 cal. sugar substitute. It did it's job 3 hrs. later. I hope that the scale will be kind to me tomorrow. I will be grateful if I at least lose 1 lb.

Tuesday Morning

It's 6:47 a.m. here in New York. Sunday was okay. Got up at 10 a.m. and got my son bathed & dressed. I bathed & dressed and we went to Sunday school. I had a can of Pineapple slices in their own juice for brunch. Church service started at 1:30 p.m. The service finished at about 4:30 p.m. Afterwards, they were selling food to raise funds for the Christian Children's Parade. Our church's children will have their own float at the parade. I bought food for my mom, fiance, son & myself. It was yummy, but fattening. The food consisted of a fried cornmeal cake topped with ground beef, a slice of boiled egg, shredded cheddar & mozarella cheese and sour cream. As soon as I got home, I purged. I didn't plan to do it, but my stomach can't handle certain things like before. I didn't cook, 'cause there was plenty of leftovers in the fridge. Got up on Monday, and weighed myself. I was happy to see that I had lost another 2 lbs. So far, I've lost a total of 26 lbs. I've been doing some serious restricting & kept the purging to a minimum. With the warm weather, it's been easier to get some form of exercise done. Yesterday, I had no breakfast & no lunch. Had a cup of black coffee w/sugar substitute when I awoke. My fiance & I took my son to the park. He loves to ride his bike! I was walking alongside my son while he rode and a little girl on her bike slammed into my legs. I mean she hit me full force, almost knocked me to my knees. I was upset, but did not scream at the kid. She looked to be about 5 or 6 yrs. old. When I walked back to our bench, I realized that the little girl was with her parents sitting on the other end of the same bench. I recognized her & the bike. I asked the lady if that was her daughter and she said yes. Then I proceeded to tell her nicely that she should watch her daughter 'cause she crashed her bike into me. I showed her my bruised legs. The mother said nothing, did not even apologize. Another lady next to me was saying how parents don't watch their kids. And the next thing I knew, the little girl & her parents had left. Nowadays, you can't go to a park & just let your kids loose. It is not safe. Went home & had a bit of an argument with my mom. She had called my sister on Sunday night. She needed her to pay a bill for her through the internet. My sister did not answer the phone. (my sister had fallen asleep on her couch) So, yesterday I called my sister to let her know that my mom needed that favor. She called my mom & said to her, "oh, you can call me when you need a favor, but not to apologize." My mom told her "if you're gonna start on me again, then we might as well not even talk". So, they both hung up their phones. My mom was telling me this when I came from the park. And she says to me, "can you believe that she wants an apology, after the way that she offended me?" I said, " but ma, you were the one who started screaming first. All she said to you was that this house is dirty & it's true". My mother got mad at me for siding with my sister and left all upset to run an errand. She bumped into my fiance downstairs & complained to him about the situation. He told her that the situation was between the 3 of us & that he was not getting involved. I started to make dinner, ate a low-fat cereal & fruit bar(140 cals.). I cooked baked brown rice, pink beans in sauce and steamed chicken legs. Helped my son with his homework. Then at about 11:35 p.m., I started to put the leftover food away & my mom decides to heat some coffee up on the stove. I just blew up at her 'cause she's been doing this to me lately. She is sooo annoying! I told her" why do you decide to do this, when I am trying to clean up in the kitchen? You couldn't do it before I came or after I've finished." I said" Look heat up your coffee & let me know when you're done" And she said "No, you finish up first & I'll heat up the coffee later" I told her " I know that this is your kitchen, but you've been doing this to me lately & it's getting on my nerves". OMG!!! I feel so emotionally tired from all the arguing that has been going on. I'm gonna try my best to save money because I cannot deal with the whole situation anymore. I have to get out of her apartment before she makes me lose my mind or gives me an ulcer from all the stress!!! I love my mother but it's impossible to live with her. I went to my room and got on my computer. Checked my e-mails that have been piling up. Ever since I have been posting here & reading the blogs, I've not read my e-mails. LOL. I want to thank all of you who read my blog & leave comments. Jena, I've made goals for my ideal weight & been able to reach that weight & mantain it. I don't intend to weigh as low as some of you. I am big-boned & at 150 lbs. everyone said that I was too slim. But that is my goal weight. I also want to thank Mellon and Bryana for their comments & advice. I know that I can do this. It was just a matter of getting into the correct mind-set. I want to get slim, but not sick. Today, I will buy some vitamins & go shopping for fruits & vegetables. Good luck to you all!!!

Almost Sunday

Well, friday was hideous. My sister who is 1 yr. younger than me, was getting on my mother's case about her lack of cleaning. So, I told my sister," Look forget about it, you're not gonna get anywhere with her." And my mother blew up at me and said "Mind your own business!" And I told her "Look, I wasn't even talking to you, I was just trying to stop the argument" She got furious and came at me with the T.V. remote control, like if she was gonna hit me with it or throw it at me. It was unreal. So I told her "that's not christian behavior, what's wrong with you?" She is a church lady & thinks she is so holy-holy. She just got mad 'cause me & my sister were telling her the truth in her face and she couldn't handle it. When my sister left, I went to my room and worked off my angry energy by exercising. It felt so good! My mother started to talk to me later in the evening, like the argument never happened. She always does that & never apologizes for anything. Today was a good day. I woke up, gave my son breakfast, made coffee. I was sewing a Jean skirt cause it now fits me too big. My aunt & cousin came over. I gave them coffee & chatted with them while my mother ran a quick errand. Even they noticed my mother's erratic behavior. I'm glad to see that it's not all my imagination. The sad part is that she refuses to acknowledge that she even has a problem. My fiance went fishing with my dad & brother-in-law. He was gone since 5:20 a.m. My son & I were on our own. I took his bike downstairs and walked to a nearby park so he could ride. I walked briskly & even ran for about 30 mins. I got a good workout. Met up with my mother 'cause she remembered that she had offered to buy me a cell phone as a belated birthday gift. We went to a store where she had shopped before. I got a cute phone for $50. It's not a flip phone, which is what I was avoiding. It even has a radio & flashlight. I'm listening to the phone's radio with the head set on, 'cause right now it's 4:39 a.m. Well today, I barely ate. Just had a bit of dinner; 1/2 cup of mixed veggies & a small steamed chicken cutlet. I already lost the 3 lbs. that I had gained last week. I even managed to lose an extra pound. So far, I've lost 24 lbs. I'm still fat, but I'm on the right track. I'm still too embarassed to tell you ladies how much I weigh. Maybe when I've lost another 20 lbs., I will have the courage to reveal my weight. Hopefully, that will happen in the next few weeks! Good luck to everyone in reaching their goals!

It's 6:53, here in New York. I start my posts by stating the time, because for some reason the time stamp is wrong. I'm not too technical (LOL), and clearly cannot have anyone set it correctly. I can never let anyone know about "Ana" and you girls. Of the 3 lbs. that I had gained last week, I have lost 2 already. I feel like a cow. I think I am a cow! I am so embarassed of my weight, that I have never written down the number here. It's a terrible number, no, really it is. It's not the highest that I've been, but you girls would be mortified if I were to reveal it. Just know that I get courage from all of you to continue my battle against this nasty weight. I eat very little & still barely lose. This is agony. Iam so disgusted about my home situation! I used to live in Pennsylvania for 10 yrs. and decided to move back to New York. I've been staying with my mother since Aug. of 2008. She has been slacking off in the cleaning of her apartment. She is a pack-rat & God forbid if you throw any of her junk away. I am so grossed out by it all. I live in a small room with my fiance and my son (not my fiance's child). It's a tight fit, but my room is cleaner than her whole apartment. There is dust and bags filled with clothes & junk everywhere. Every day when my mother fixes her breakfast, she leaves bread crumbs from her toast under the kitchen table. She is hooked to playing silly computer games & doesn't care about cleaning her apartment. I feel like if I live inside a thrift shop, a dirty one. To make room for us, she had to empty out a bedroom. She had junk in that room piled like 4 feet high. Instead of throwing out the junk, she just moved it to her room. Now her room is filled with bags & boxes since last summer. She has done nothing to clean up her room & you can barely walk in it. I am dying to move, but to rent an apartment here is expensive. I give her money every month when I get my SSI check. I also buy food & anything else that is needed in the house. I have not been able to save any money in the 9 mos. that I've been here. My fiance has not been able to find a job. He barely speaks English & didn't even finish High School. I feel like if I'm gonna be stuck here forever! I feel my depression growing with every passing day. I should be on medication because I'm bi-polar and have problems with anxiety, but I'm not. I stopped taking my meds over 2 yrs. ago. I also have a sleeping disorder that gets worse when I am deeply depressed. I'm thinking of going to see a Dr. and asking for meds before I do something foolish. I must make a plan to save money & move out. I cannot tolerate this situation any longer. I apologize about all my complaining, but I needed to get it out before I explode. God help me!!!